Oh my

Encounter With My Life #2

It’s strange… I feel like a wispy shadow wading through a vat of pudding when it comes to writing posts for this new  blog. I feel unpracticed and unsure of my own voice somehow. I’m unsure of everything—from the header to the sidebar to the photos to the text, and it’s been an effort to refrain from apologizing constantly for everything. But doing so would be tantamount to apologizing for myself, for where I’m at right now, for who I am, and that’s irrational and unloving. I’m trying to be more rational and more loving, not less, even toward myself. Well, especially toward myself, really, since for the most part I’m much more generous to others than I am to me. The “shadow” part of my feeling is probably typical of this time in my life, as I grow older and leave the fresh beauty of young womanhood behind and become invisible to more and more eyes; my struggle against middle age has been going on for a few years now, but I know – duh – I’d better reconcile myself to aging and quick because I’m only going to continue the downhill slide, no matter how hard I exercise (not that I exercise hard) or how many boob lifts I get (so far: zero and holding). There’s no money for plastic surgery so I guess I’d better concentrate on my inner Michael Jackson.

That’s why today I’m going to go through my shelves, where most of my books are scattered willy-nilly, without much rhyme or reason, and gather together into one place all of my inner work and inspirational books so I can find them readily. I think I’ll use my Wonder cabinet because that seems like the logical choice. Instead of relying on other people to buoy me, and oh, I do love me some abject flattery, I’m practicing relying on myself. When I journal, and I do, copiously—I call myself loving endearments and give myself kisses and hugs xoxo and it’s been marvelously healing, if a little weird to confess. I don’t really mind confessing, of course… I like being vulnerable and honest with you because that means you’ll know me better. I hope you’ll like me once you know me, but honestly, that’s less important to me than that you see who I really am (and keep coming around). I imagine we all have a similar desire. We’re all utterly unique yet try to blend in yet long to stand out yet hide behind each other yet cry for attention yet… you get the idea. Such a tug-of-war between crippling insecurity and our need for individual expression. It’s scary putting yourself out there, where there are lions and tigers and bears. It’s exhilarating, too.

On a completely nuther note: seriously, my right ear is crackling and I’m dizzy. Does this mean I have an ear infection? Are aliens from another galaxy trying to contact me?  Did someone pour Rice Krispies in my ear when I wasn’t looking? Drat. But, Love! xo

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15 Comments

Filed under God I'm depressed, Hope, Old women

15 responses to “Oh my

  1. Probably aliens are eating Rice Krispies near the microphone. That or schizophrenia.

    Also this: I’ve never understood how reading a book and doing what it says qualifies as “self-help”. Seems like that would be “book-help” or “reader-help” or something. I don’t know. A self-help book should come with blank pages and a pen.

    Hello, Kelly.

    • Or a blank screen and itchy fingers! I agree with you completely, Scott, and have decided to lead a campaign to get Barnes & Noble to switch the self-help section to those awesome journal shelves. But, wait… now the voices are telling me not to. Oh well.

      Love,
      Napoleon B.

  2. StevieRicardo

    Ahhhh…. the endless struggle to determine which is more important: expressing how awesome we know we are or being what we percieve others to think is awesome. Hmmm…. That’s a tough one. As the social animals that we humans are, we desire, crave, yes, NEED to be accepted, loved praised (especially us Leo/Dragons!). This has been on my mind as well in the last few days. Miami is not a very accepting place (and it’s filled with those pesky bikini-clad women, you know the ones). The only logical way to deal with the situation (because like with most, if not all things, in life I have been lead to believe there is not concrete ‘solution’) is to surround yourself with like-minded folk. HAHAHAHAHA. If only it were that simple….Life happens and those like-minded ones that we hold so dear in our hearts are not always available for much needed cameos in our day-to-day lives. So just hang in there and remember: WE ARE HERE. Maybe not “here” or “now”, but nonetheless, you’ve got us! And in just a little bit of that pesky and unrealiable unit of measurement known as ‘time’, we shall meet again. Keep shining, keep performing (in your case writing and blogging)! It’s what you do, and boy, don’t ya do it well? Unlike anyone else out there, coz it’s YOUR thing and you’re the only one of YOU!

    Remember, life goes on, and good will always come back around to sit on your lap after giving you the cold shoulder.

    Love ya, sis!
    xoxo

    • S. Ricardo, I am so grateful you hitchhiked into my life… It’s a wonder that I asked you to come and visit if you were ever out west, because I just don’t DO that, especially since we barely knew each other and only on FB. But I believe, or would like to believe even if I have doubts, that it was more than a lucky coincidence that you took me up on it. In the time you were here you became one of my dearest heart friends, someone I believe truly sees me and understands. That’s the hugest relief in the universe, of course! Someone who sees, understands, and still loves you! Wow! So your encouragement is more than welcome to my crackling ears. I’m SO GLAD you’re *here*! And are soon to really be here! I love you, sis.

  3. StevieRicardo

    On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

    Let me catch myself right there. ::squeel of brakes::

    Forget EVERYTHING I said. As pleasant as it might be, you don’t need my advice or pats on the back.

    You’ve got this. :)

  4. Aliens poured the Rice Krispies in! I sawed them do it, but forgot to email and tell you. My bad.

    But they also hugged you, so I don’t know if that cancels out the negative of the crackly ear. Life is full of those pros and cons :)

  5. Oh how I love your mind. How you lay it out there for all to see in such immaculate detail is beyond me. It’s as if you are performing surgery on your heart and soul right in front of us, telling us what you are feeling throughout the surgery. I also liken you to a weaver of sorts. You weave words together creating something beautiful that can be worn by all. Nice to see you writing again.

    • Baine, I swear on my grandmother’s eyes, you have ALWAYS been my biggest fan, even when I didn’t/don’t warrant a cheering section. Thank you for your eternal encouragement and acceptance, especially during those times you think I’m completely off my rocker. I love you wholeheartedly and without stint. Go!Go!Go!, our 30+ year friendship, and here’s to 30+ more! xoxo

  6. I’m so glad your’re blogging again! The whole angst about getting older…it gets better. I absolutely LOVED my forth decade…loved it, loved it. It was like I suddenly was given permission to let go of the need to please and be what I thought I was “supposed” to be. My fifth decade has been even better! Being invisible has its perks! Not worrying about being “attractive” or “desirable” is such a relief. And the older you get, the less you care about bending to another’s view of you. Cranky outbursts are expected. Raucous humor is the norm. Older women rock hard! Lovin’ it.

  7. Oh, Twila, seriously, your words are AMAZINGLY cheering to me! That’s what I want. I can’t wait – and am working diligently to get to this point – for the time I no longer care about my degree of attractiveness and can just fully enjoy myself: sags, warts, witchy cackle, and all. It’s good to hear that it gets better, and that there is life after trudging up this middle-age hill. Maybe I’ll even roll down the other side, giggling as I go!

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