Seeds of change

This is an interesting time for me, as I process the changes going on inside of me. Or more, the unveiling, unlayering, and acceptance of ideas I’ve wanted to explore but had suppressed for various reasons over the last few years. For the first time in a long time I feel whole, and even though I don’t feel healed, that sensation of wholeness is the necessary foundation for ushering in this next phase of healing. It’s terrible feeling splintered from yourself, and I had let myself be splintered out of fear that I would be alone, abandoned, and somehow not-okay. The wonderful thing is, now that I’ve again embraced myself, I don’t feel abandoned and not-okay at all, but instead that I am my own friend and companion, and that the loneliness I feel occasionally is no more special than the loneliness everyone feels from time to time. My sadnesses are beginning to feel like everyday, normal sadnesses, and I can handle them. When I run for help now, I run to my own inner resources, as well as to God.

My idea of God is changing, also. For a very long time I have been dissatisfied with a male  image of God, feeling more and more  as if my prayers to that image were blowing into a vast, cold wasteland. Jesus was no longer enough, but Buddha didn’t feel right, either. No male element did. My time in school, particularly biology classes, but really, in every course that emphasized critical thinking, I began to focus more on humanity than divinity, and was perfectly contented. I didn’t believe in God, and didn’t need to. But now that school is over, my natural tendency toward spiritual pursuits is reemerging, and I’ve found myself once again hungry to find my own personal experience of God.

The last couple of days, in that regard, have been amazing. I’ve suddenly began picturing God as a powerful woman, beautifully dressed in voluminous robes of brightly colored silk embroidered in gold thread, and wearing a high headdress. Elaborate necklaces and bangles and bracelets grace her strong, substantial body. I sit on her lap and she holds me close, and comforts me. She’s right there, right behind me, so close that all I need to do is swivel in place to find myself wrapped in her embrace. I’m searching for her name, and am beginning to see that it might be Sophia, Athena, Wisdom… but I’m not yet sure. (But I also kind of am.) It’s been a wonder, after my disdain of magical thinking, to no longer care if what I feel and see is a delusion. Her presence gives me comfort; she is my representative, and I feel utterly at home with her. She feels like me, only my full-potential me. Some day I’d like to melt into her embrace and stay there, completely assimilated into her/me. That’s my gentle goal.

As I grow spiritually, I’ve been working on my book, which has lately been extremely rewarding. I’ve also put on the backburner of my brainpan the idea for an occupation. I’m letting it simmer for awhile because it would require more schooling, but I’m excited about the possibility. We’ll see. I’m not going to say what it is yet, because people tend to think you’re flaky if you have ideas and don’t jump on them–which is a western culture thing, or maybe a modern-day human nature thing–but once I decide, I’ll let you know. I had determined before I finished my AA that I would spend this spring and summer working on my book, and that’s what I’m going to do. That, and get some inner healing and a fresh grasp of God. It’s already been a fulsome year for me, and it’s not even February yet. YYES. And love! xo

Reading: The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd; Your Inner Child of the Past by W. Hugh Missildine, M.D.; American Fantastic Tales: Terror and the Uncanny from Poe to the Pulps ed. by Peter Straub



Filed under Hope, Stuff to read, Woo-woo

8 responses to “Seeds of change

  1. What a lovely post. I’m happy for you, Kells, that you are reclaiming that spiritual element that has been lying dormant for a bit. Also, it gives me hope that one day I might also find a way to express a deep soul-connection with something Other-than. That would be a wonder. For now, I continue to sit meditation, practice mindfulness, try to engage in life fully and live each moment as it is. One day, though, I hope to recover that mystical ability to re-imagine that divine encounter that gives so much to a life. Like ice cream with cake! I’m learning to savor the cake, but one day I would love a scoop of ice cream with that!

    • It’s been SO wonderful to feel this way. Very comforting, after having felt confusion about, and then a lack of, God’s presence for a long time. I still wouldn’t say I’m a believer in an actual presence, because so many of my God experiences in the past were trumped up for this reason or that, and like you, having been heavily immersed in the christian scene, I know the drill inside and out… BUT, this new-found ability to visualize God has been so empowering. For the first time in forever, it feels substantial. So does this new driving thirst I have for Women Stuff! I watched a movie last night called Bonneville, that starred Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates, and Joan Allen. I kept thinking, “All these GORGEOUS women…” and once again, was reminded that I truly do think older women are beautiful, so why don’t I give myself a break and think the same of me?? I’m learning. It takes awhile, but what could be more important? Also, for the umpteenth time, I wished Kathy Bates could be MY friend. :) Love you, sis. xo

  2. Christine

    Wow, I’m in the exact same place as you! Last night, I lit a candle to the Goddess of Heaven, and wrote out all my prayers to her, my ideas of what she is like (it surprised me how much she is a combo of things I’ve seen in magic-filled animation~ the Grandmother Tree in “Pocahontas” and Queen Clarion in “TinkerBell”, etc.)…it felt really good to connect to this facet of the Divine~ I would have to call it a relief, actually.
    Have you ever seen this piece I did?
    My art piece for Terri Maue poem
    (If you can’t open the page, let me know, I’ll send it to you.)
    I LOVED the start of that poem and loved doing this piece for it! It was the first time in a long time I was actually inspired to do any art, so I am warmly grateful to the poem.

  3. Chrissy, I LOVE your painting! And the poem, but especially your painting. Without ever having heard the poem, I did a painting of a woman as a tree once, too, years ago. Well, and then a collage years later… (I’m glad I’m reminded of that; I’m going to dig that out and put it on my wall.) Anyway, the painting and the poem are wonderful! I’m so glad that modern-day women have been waking up to the Feminine Divine for quite awhile now. I’ve been praying to the Goddess, calling her Mother God, and Goddess, and while the words felt unfamiliar for a little while, I’m more comfortable with them all the time. It’s about time. It IS time! I’m going to look up the entire poem. Thank you for sharing your painting! kiss!

  4. Fence

    It’s such a coincidence that you mention a female god, I’ve just finished A Monstrous Regiment of Women by laurie r king, which has a whole heap of discussion about the feminine aspect of the divine. It’s a fiction book, but feminism is an important part of it. I’d give you a quote or two only I’ve left it back to the library

    • I read your review, Fence! And I’ve put the book on my library list, and am really excited about reading it, especially since you were so enthusiastic about it, AND because it has so much in it about the feminine divine. I’m getting the message all over the place now that I’m aware of it.The book I just read by Haven Kimmel was chock full of sacred feminine references, as well. I find that so encouraging!

      • I just saw your comment Kelly and replied, basically saying that it is the second in a series so I’d try to get The Beekeeper’s Apprentice first, but if you don’t it’ll still work as a standalone.

  5. Oh, I’m glad you told me! I’ll put the Beekeeper’s Apprentice on my list too, then, and read it first.

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