This is an interesting time for me, as I process the changes going on inside of me. Or more, the unveiling, unlayering, and acceptance of ideas I’ve wanted to explore but had suppressed for various reasons over the last few years. For the first time in a long time I feel whole, and even though I don’t feel healed, that sensation of wholeness is the necessary foundation for ushering in this next phase of healing. It’s terrible feeling splintered from yourself, and I had let myself be splintered out of fear that I would be alone, abandoned, and somehow not-okay. The wonderful thing is, now that I’ve again embraced myself, I don’t feel abandoned and not-okay at all, but instead that I am my own friend and companion, and that the loneliness I feel occasionally is no more special than the loneliness everyone feels from time to time. My sadnesses are beginning to feel like everyday, normal sadnesses, and I can handle them. When I run for help now, I run to my own inner resources, as well as to God.
My idea of God is changing, also. For a very long time I have been dissatisfied with a male image of God, feeling more and more as if my prayers to that image were blowing into a vast, cold wasteland. Jesus was no longer enough, but Buddha didn’t feel right, either. No male element did. My time in school, particularly biology classes, but really, in every course that emphasized critical thinking, I began to focus more on humanity than divinity, and was perfectly contented. I didn’t believe in God, and didn’t need to. But now that school is over, my natural tendency toward spiritual pursuits is reemerging, and I’ve found myself once again hungry to find my own personal experience of God.
The last couple of days, in that regard, have been amazing. I’ve suddenly began picturing God as a powerful woman, beautifully dressed in voluminous robes of brightly colored silk embroidered in gold thread, and wearing a high headdress. Elaborate necklaces and bangles and bracelets grace her strong, substantial body. I sit on her lap and she holds me close, and comforts me. She’s right there, right behind me, so close that all I need to do is swivel in place to find myself wrapped in her embrace. I’m searching for her name, and am beginning to see that it might be Sophia, Athena, Wisdom… but I’m not yet sure. (But I also kind of am.) It’s been a wonder, after my disdain of magical thinking, to no longer care if what I feel and see is a delusion. Her presence gives me comfort; she is my representative, and I feel utterly at home with her. She feels like me, only my full-potential me. Some day I’d like to melt into her embrace and stay there, completely assimilated into her/me. That’s my gentle goal.
As I grow spiritually, I’ve been working on my book, which has lately been extremely rewarding. I’ve also put on the backburner of my brainpan the idea for an occupation. I’m letting it simmer for awhile because it would require more schooling, but I’m excited about the possibility. We’ll see. I’m not going to say what it is yet, because people tend to think you’re flaky if you have ideas and don’t jump on them–which is a western culture thing, or maybe a modern-day human nature thing–but once I decide, I’ll let you know. I had determined before I finished my AA that I would spend this spring and summer working on my book, and that’s what I’m going to do. That, and get some inner healing and a fresh grasp of God. It’s already been a fulsome year for me, and it’s not even February yet. YYES. And love! xo
Reading: The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd; Your Inner Child of the Past by W. Hugh Missildine, M.D.; American Fantastic Tales: Terror and the Uncanny from Poe to the Pulps ed. by Peter Straub