Good morning, twinkles! I hope everyone is well. I was going to move my laptop into my bedroom today, and do all my work on my bed for a few hours, just for a change of pace, but then I sat down in my usual writing nook to check, what else, Facebook, when I was suddenly struck by how cozy it is in here, so here is where I remain. I can’t even TELL you how much I love the early wee hours of the day; there’s just nothing like them, especially right after I’ve had my coffee, like now. I took a picture of my writing nook for you. It also doubles as our dining table, our game-playing table, our tarot card reading table, our craft table, and when necessary, extra food preparation station. It’s a well-loved, well-worn fixture in the Haven, and I love it. Lorraine, a gifted interior decorator and my dearhearted friend, told me that if I were to paint only one wall in the house it should be the back dining room wall, with the window, and I absolutely agree. Don’t you think a bold color on that wall would be gorgeous? So, I’m thinking it through. I’m tired of white apartment walls, and I don’t think our landlords will squawk, since they love the rest of the apartment. (Our landlady is a Reader.) I’m loath to ask them, honestly, being of the it’s-easier-to-apologize-than-get-permission variety, but I’ll cross that bridge when I’m ready for it.
I couldn’t sleep one iota last night, so I got up and sat on the living room couch, and immediately started crying. I wept over all I’d lost, and all I’d gained. I forgave people who had hurt me, and asked forgiveness, by name, of those I had hurt, crying their names out into the darkness. I hope they heard me. It was about a half hour’s worth (I think) of deep cleansing and my heart feels very fresh as a result, even though I’m super tired. Later on, when it’s light out, I’m going to go out to the storage unit and dig out a couple of sacred symbols I’d retired when I wasn’t believing in God. I want to get the Russian rag doll I’d made years ago, and a circle of three African women in gorgeous clothing holding hands that I’d bought at the dollar store. (Let me just put in a plug for the dollar store. You will find some really super amazing items there, just really surprising ones, and they cost only ONE DOLLAR. Don’t neglect the knick-knack shelves.) Those are the ones I’m thinking of in particular, but there might be more. I have an altar that simply sprang/sprung/sproinged up on its own on the coffee table: a square ceramic saucer of special stones I’ve gathered, two boxes, two candles, my big marble balls (hee), two clarion bells, and a partridge in a …. no, not the last one. I love my spontaneous altar, and am thinking of setting up a few more around the house as the need arises. I want to find some Goddess statues, and oh yeah, now I remember!, I also want to get the Mary figurine out of the Christmas box to add to my Goddesses. And on a side note, it’s just wonderful to tell Scott the stuff I’m learning and simply get acceptance. He never furrows his brow and questions me. He’s not threatened that I want to see God as a woman. I’m telling you, I’ve landed on very soft ground for this healing period, and the fact doesn’t escape me. I’m immensely grateful.
As always, I’ve made big plans for myself today: work on Martin, exercise, dig out treasures from storage, walk into town with Torie to do a few errands, other mundane stuff like the usual household doodah, and watch a film on death throughout the ages as research for a step I’m considering taking…. NO, I’m not contemplating suicide (this time). I’ll tell you what I’m thinking of later, as the idea solidifies in my mind. I’m still very much listening to the ebbs and flows of my psyche, or spirit, or instinct, or divine presence – whatever you want to call it – and it feels very good to trust myself in this way. SARK talks about how she tries never to take any action under the impetus of Pressure, Urgency, or Stress (in other words, PUS), and I absolutely one hundred percent agree. It’s a radical departure from what we’ve all learned, but I think it’s saving my ever-lovin life. Ooh, I am going to hate it when this coffee wears off. haha! Love! xo