Small hours

Good morning, twinkles! I hope everyone is well. I was going to move my laptop into my bedroom today, and do all my work on my bed for a few hours, just for a change of pace, but then I sat down in my usual writing nook to check, what else, Facebook, when I was suddenly struck by how cozy it is in here, so here is where I remain. I can’t even TELL you how much I love the early wee hours of the day; there’s just nothing like them, especially right after I’ve had my coffee, like now. I took a picture of my writing nook for you. It also doubles as our dining table, our game-playing table, our tarot card reading table, our craft table, and when necessary, extra food preparation station. It’s a well-loved, well-worn fixture in the Haven, and I love it. Lorraine, a gifted interior decorator and my dearhearted friend, told me that if I were to paint only one wall in the house it should be the back dining room wall, with the window, and I absolutely agree. Don’t you think a bold color on that wall would be gorgeous? So, I’m thinking it through. I’m tired of white apartment walls, and I don’t think our landlords will squawk, since they love the rest of the apartment. (Our landlady is a Reader.) I’m loath to ask them, honestly, being of the it’s-easier-to-apologize-than-get-permission variety, but I’ll cross that bridge when I’m ready for it.

One of the three beating hearts of the Haven. Also, that's a map of Narnia on the wall. As soon as it's light out and I don't need the flash, I'll take a picture for you.

I couldn’t sleep one iota last night, so I got up and sat on the living room couch, and immediately started crying. I wept over all I’d lost, and all I’d gained. I forgave people who had hurt me, and asked forgiveness, by name, of those I had hurt, crying their names out into the darkness. I hope they heard me. It was about a half hour’s worth (I think) of deep cleansing and my heart feels very fresh as a result, even though I’m super tired. Later on, when it’s light out, I’m going to go out to the storage unit and dig out a couple of sacred symbols I’d retired when I wasn’t believing in God. I want to get the Russian rag doll I’d made years ago, and a circle of three African women in gorgeous clothing holding hands that I’d bought at the dollar store. (Let me just put in a plug for the dollar store. You will find some really super amazing items there, just really surprising ones, and they cost only ONE DOLLAR. Don’t neglect the knick-knack shelves.) Those are the ones I’m thinking of in particular, but there might be more. I have an altar that simply sprang/sprung/sproinged up on its own on the coffee table: a square ceramic saucer of special stones I’ve gathered, two boxes, two candles, my big marble balls (hee), two clarion bells, and a partridge in a …. no, not the last one. I love my spontaneous altar, and am thinking of setting up a few more around the house as the need arises. I want to find some Goddess statues, and oh yeah, now I remember!, I also want to get the Mary figurine out of the Christmas box to add to my Goddesses. And on a side note, it’s just wonderful to tell Scott the stuff I’m learning and simply get acceptance. He never furrows his brow and questions me. He’s not threatened that I want to see God as a woman. I’m telling you, I’ve landed on very soft ground for this healing period, and the fact doesn’t escape me. I’m immensely grateful.

As always, I’ve made big plans for myself today: work on Martin, exercise, dig out treasures from storage, walk into town with Torie to do a few errands, other mundane stuff like the usual household doodah, and watch a film on death throughout the ages as research for a step I’m considering taking…. NO, I’m not contemplating suicide (this time). I’ll tell you what I’m thinking of later, as the idea solidifies in my mind. I’m still very much listening to the ebbs and flows of my psyche, or spirit, or instinct, or divine presence – whatever you want to call it – and it feels very good to trust myself in this way. SARK talks about how she tries never to take any action under the impetus of Pressure, Urgency, or Stress (in other words, PUS), and I absolutely one hundred percent agree. It’s a radical departure from what we’ve all learned, but I think it’s saving my ever-lovin life. Ooh, I am going to hate it when this coffee wears off. haha! Love! xo


Filed under Hope, La la la, Woo-woo

9 responses to “Small hours

  1. Christine

    I’ve been reading Miguel Ruiz’s “Fifth Agreement” and it’s been a corking good book!
    He talks about the importance of accepting yourself, others, the situation as it is…how it can make things so much better in your life.
    I read his “The Voice of Knowledge” before this one, and it also talked of the importance of accepting things (and yourself. and people.) as they are, living the moment without judgement. Also, pulling from the part of you that is your wordless truth, your beyond-words realness, your integrity.
    Putting them together, a life like heaven on earth grows possible.

    I’d say it sounds like you’re on the right track~ not only have you let stuff go and now allow yourself to soak in acceptance, and live deliberately in the non-hurried peace of Now, you’re also adding substance (and thrill, too!) to your spirituality!

    I think that if we add the practice of unconditional love, we’ve got all of the enjoyable essentials to a beautiful, meaningful life!

    (Even without big marble balls~ ha!)

    • I WAS thinking of replacing them with big brass balls, but you know, the whole balls thing might be a little inappropriate at this juncture in my spiritual journey. Maybe later. :)

      I’ll put your book suggestions on my to-read list for the library; they sound really good! I’ve been working very hard at accepting the things I can’t or shouldn’t change, and while it’s difficult at times, that sense of “rightness” in my various situations has gone a long way toward helping me find peace, even if there’s pain. This really is a fruitful time for me! I’m so happy about that. Thanks for walking with me, Chrissy. You strange red squiggly thing you. LOOVE the chapeau. But, um, your boobs are on your shoulders.

  2. Christine

    Oh, look! In my last comment, they’ve changed my profile pic to a strange red squiggle! With a ring or a big mouth or something on its tummy!

    I likie~ it has a small, defined waist and a chic chapeau on!

  3. A map of Narnia eh? Sounds cool. And I do agree that you should paint that wall, it’d be, whatdotheycallit, a feature wall? Or summat.

    I’m not a huge believer, in god or anything, but I do sorta admire people who have that faith. So I’m glad you’ve got it back, and a female god has always made a little more sense to me than a totally male one. But I’m not quite sure that god is supposed to make sense…

  4. I forgot to take a picture of the Narnia map!, since I fell on the couch in a coma from not sleeping last night. It really is cool. Yeah, I know there’s a name for something like that… maybe a focus wall? No, that doesn’t sound right. But yes, I think I’ll paint that eventually, in some vogue color like eggplant or cayenne.

    There are some days in particular that seem bereft of God(dess), and today feels like one of those to me, so I know what you’re saying. And for the past year or so I haven’t believed in God at all, so I know what you’re saying THERE, too. Nobody knows THE Truth, we all only have our little truths, and believing in a deity at all requires varying degrees of suspension of disbelief. But like you (again), I admire people who are genuinely loving, spiritual, and strong. That’s the whole genesis of my new motto about wanting to be the woman I love. I noticed awhile back that spiritually-minded people are the ones I respect most, so decided to be one of them, if possible! I’m glad I have whatever little bit of faith back, too. It feels better. Maybe it’s only castle-building out of clouds and air, but I don’t think that matters, since we’re all feeling around in the dark anyway. xo

  5. StevieRicardo

    Wow. You have accomplished so much since last I read your blog. I spent the last few minutes reading up on the last 4 or 5 posts. Seriously, WOW. You are making some intense changes. Change always hurts. But don’t we feel all the better for it? It sounds like you are coming to terms with some overwhelming realizations. I am sooooo proud of you! Really! I just want to give you the loads of hugs you deserve! If I may suggest getting in contact with Tamara Grayson. She would have a ton to talk with you about most of what’s going through your mind right now. I think you could both benefit from the interaction. :)

    Moving right along, I am soooo far behind on my reading but I’ve been taking note of all the books you’ve mentioned on here. As soon as I get this library thing straightened out (Yes, they’re STILL giving me a hard time) I am going to spend a whole day reading all the yummy things you’ve outlined. Well, dearest… I send oodles of love and positive thoughts your way! <3 xoxox

    • Stevie love, thank you for the loads of hugs, love, and positive thoughts! It really has been nice to get back into more spiritual thinking and reading. I’ve missed it, and have come to realize (again) that it really is my most sturdy platform to stand on, leap from, fly from. And I’m super glad you’re going to look into my book suggestions! I especially want you to get hold of the Succulent Woman, so I hope the library thing works out. (You’ve been there long enough now; do you think you could get your own card? All’s you need is one piece of official mail sent to where you’re staying. Anyway.)

      I love you, gal. xo

  6. You’re such an interesting person with all those thoughts of yours that come and go. I loaf you!

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