Wow, today feels so awesome. It’s sunny and warmish outside, for one thing, and how that DO brighten the spirit, but more than that, it’s a day that I’ve spent alone and purposefully. Torie stayed at my parents’ house last night with Van and Jesse, for an all-nighter watching movies. I love that my kids like each other. I feel pretty today, too, having put my hair up in a new style, and I’m wearing bright pink lips. That’s a nice change from my usual self-loathing. Also, I’m wearing these new stretchy capris that feel amazing and are super flattering. I exercised, dancing around while attempting to avoid my cat’s paws, because he kept flopping down in front of me and batting at my feet. (I accidentally stepped on him once, lightly, but I’d warned him, the plus of which is that he stopped trying to grab my feet and decided to wait for me behind the chair.)
I also worked on my book and am happy to report that the more I work on it, the more ideas keep coming to me for the story’s direction. This renewed influx of inspiration is jazzing me up to work on it so it doesn’t feel like a drudge, and I’m actually eager to get to it. Well, eagerer anyway. Regarding the new occupation I’ve been considering, the one I haven’t told you about yet, well, it’s in funeral services. Last summer when I was visiting, before we moved, I picked up the local college catalog and was glancing through programs of study. The funeral services course caught my eye and went to my brain and has been lingering there ever since. A couple days ago I watched a show called, I think, POV: A Family Undertaking, and it was all about the beauty of home funerals as opposed to mortuary funerals, and this threw me for a loop, especially when I saw a scene of a real embalming, which was, hello, EWW. Six Feet Under, while they did their best, was not realistic, okay? After watching the program, I was ready to throw in the towel and turn my mind to other ideas, but strangely, I’ve found that my mind is refusing to turn away. I don’t know what’s up. So, it’s possible that within the next couple weeks I’ll be contacting my dad’s funeral director friend to see if I can shadow him or one of his employees for a few hours, just to see if I can deal with seeing dead bodies and smelling their dead smells. Let alone handling their dead selves.
This is how I see it. Our bodies are made of earth, more or less, right? Matter, anyway. And, even after the person is gone, I feel that her or his earth body is sacred and that it would be an honor to be the one to prepare it for burial. Having once been a pie-in-the-sky christian, I do… so… long to celebrate humanity, the earth, and nature – everything that my erstwhile particular brand of christianity told me was sinful and must be squelched. On the other hand, I have a very strong reluctance to put chemical-soaked bodies, tucked in varnished coffins, in the ground; I think it’s pollution and utterly, utterly unnecessary; but… maybe, just maybe, if I walk in the door of this profession I’ll be able to move into another direction as a result. I’m just thinking aloud. Thinking aloud to you now, and letting my thoughts simmer for as long as it takes, though if I want to get in next fall’s program I would have to register soon. Anyway, it doesn’t even have to be this year. So. That’s what’s on my mind right now.
But so is this idea of mindful meditation (thank you Twila, for the term!). It’s when you give your full attention to whatever you’re doing, without letting your thoughts creep into future tasks or even present worries. And for me it’s also meant moving slowly through my day and choosing my actions purposefully. It’s revolutionary to me, personally, because I was always a quipper and a rusher. I completely love this new way of being. Oh, and I found my little ring of African women in storage, as well as my rag doll. Score! (Oh bum. I was going to take photos, but Torie has her camera. Ah well.) Love! xo