Already, this morning is going very, very well. I’m not going to attribute all this newfound energy and time to my recent deactivation of Facebook because that would be both crazy and untrue, but seriously, I’m one of those people who gets waaay too tied up in certain activities that, for me, induce gobs of pain and angst. Okay, here are two things I’ve realized about myself in the form of epiphanies over the past two days:
I am a drama queen.
I have an abiding belief in the unseen (woo-woo) supernatural elements of life.
These realizations are both freeing and disconcerting: freeing because now that I’m aware of them I can try to change my behavior (if necessary) when certain circumstances stir them up, and disconcerting because, well, I’ve been operating blindly in them for who knows how long.
Okay and also, the first one – the being a drama queen – has pushed a lot and I mean a LOTTA people away over the years. There is a veritable graveyard of dead and broken bodies behind me because I was oversensitive and perceived rejection when, say, they simply had indigestion or their dog died or – SHOCK – I wasn’t on their mind 24-7. God. I am really really trying to stop and breathe and think a minute whenever I sense a “reaction” coming on. It’s helping.
The second one – the abiding belief in woo-woo – is really cool. I mean, really cool, because since I started college a few years ago and began taking certain classes that emphasized critical thinking over magical thinking, which I had been immersed in from my wee babedom up through my private Christian high school years and subsequent adult servitude to the church – till I was about 40 – I had completely stopped believing in God or anything supernatural at all. Biology rulz, was my motto. And it still kind of does.
But here’s where my epiphany comes in. Yesterday morning I found myself running through an imaginary argument yet again with my former biology professor, Dr. Ingledue. I loved Dr. Ingledue so much. Not really loved; he didn’t generate warm fuzzies in any regard; but I respected him and appreciated his outspokenness because he spoke out on things I’d begun wondering about. Things like: those after death experiences people have in the uber-loving tunnel of light? Hallucinations. Creationism? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!!! Next! The Ghost Hunters show? There’s no such thing as an EMF detector for ghosts! There’re no such things as ghosts, morons! hee. Just thinking about him makes me smile.
The astonishing thing is: I realized yesterday that I am CONSTANTLY arguing with him about supernatural hoky-poky things! In my mind! Some question will arise and I’ll put his face to it, at which point something in me will arise and begin to deconstruct his argument to the best of my ability, despite his Ph.D in physics. My essential self has been fighting for a belief that I didn’t know I still had… completely behind my back. And now that I’m aware of it, I can show my essential self some respect and begin listening. Cut away all the crappy experiences I had in this church or that, and begin to explore the fundamentals of my woo-woo beliefs. I am very, very excited about this.
I thank Martha Beck for kicking open the door, and I thank Judith Orloff for gently ushering me into this new-but-familiar territory with her book Second Sight: A Psychiatrist Clairvoyant Tells Her Extraordinary Story…and Shows You How to Discover Your Psychic Gifts. And I thank Professor Ingledue for being such a feisty foil for me, even when he doesn’t know it. Love to you all! xo