Hello, friends! I haven’t felt like writing, as is obvious since my last entry was posted a couple weeks ago, but I thought I’d check in anyway for those who pop over here occasionally. I’m one of those cycle people, and right now I’m in a major soaking-in cycle, during which I’m reading scads of help books and watching lots of television series and exercising and snuggling with my cat and hanging out with my family, and in general, being very-very quiet while doing so. I’m also journaling like crazy and recording my dreams and changing in perceptible ways and it’s been freaking amazing. These books/authors in particular are blowing my mind:
Second Sight by Judith Orloff
Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff
Beyond Belief: the Gospel According to Thomas by Elaine Pagels
The Gospel According to Jesus by Stephen Mitchell
I’m learning to trust my own guidance, wend my way back to God in new and accessible and respectful and open-hearted ways, and I’ve stopped hating Jesus. All those points are vital to me, but the latter point is especially close to my heart because I had loved Jesus so much during most of my life. Before anyone jumps to a conclusion or three, let me assert quickly that I still hate the way the early church messed up his message and has continued to mess it up and down and sideways into next Tuesday. I am not a Christian. But I love Jesus again because the message he gave people was truly one of hope: that the kingdom of God is within us. Right smack within us, and not a future external place set aside for only a chosen few. I can’t TELL you how much that exclusivity upsets me, and mostly because I was one of the most judgey of them all. I’m so sorry, all the people I’ve measured and found wanting. It breaks my heart and I really, really am sorry.
Well, THAT went somewhere I wasn’t expecting when I first sat down to write. Let’s take a step back up to the top.
So, my ‘work’ has not been writing for the past couple weeks, as I had thought it would be, though I’ve added bits and pieces to Martin Loudmouth along the way. Working on my book has been nearly impossible for me, so instead of beating myself up and bouncing off the walls in a panic, I’m being gentle with myself: a leaf on a stream. I’m trying to be extremely vigilant regarding the twists and turns of the current – I’m not lolling about in lala land – but I’m not forcing anything, either. I’ve looked at the PSU catalog and am trying to feel out whether or not enrolling as a junior would be a good move. It’s an option. To use a spring analogy, I had been a seed lying dormant for a long time, and now I’m soaking in the good, good rain that’s falling. I’ve recently sprouted, with tender little shoots; I can finally see the sun through the clouds. But I have a ways to go before blossoming and then turning into a big, juicy fruit (hee). That’s awesome, and doesn’t bother me. I’m just happy to be where I am, right here, right now. And that’s the truth. Pffth. Love! xo