I just put another lamp up in my bedroom because it’s so dark in here when it rains. The overhead light hums mechanically when it’s switched on so I rarely use it; mechanical noises are hard for me to endure. For instance, our bathroom light is directly attached to the fan which keeps mold from taking over, but whose noise gives me the flying heebie-jeebies every time it kicks on. I use the heat lamp light in there, or the tiny nightlight lamp. I don’t like mechanical noises.
The lamp is helping a bit. The last couple days have been odd. On the one hand, the sun (which is now hidden beneath layers of weeping rain clouds) was out and gave me an immense infusion of energy, a beautiful sensation, but today all that’s left of that solar energy is a fluttering restlessness that’s making it impossible to meditate or focus on reading. I decided this morning, after I’d read the same paragraph in my help book twenty times, that I needed a break — a decision precipitated by troubling symptoms of agitated heartbeat and boa constrictor throat, all too familiar carryovers from stressful school days. These were indications that I had begun approaching my inner healing as inner “work,” with a definite end and points to be gained. I’d forgotten that enlightenment will take the rest of my life and maybe even beyond, and that there IS no gradebook. I’ve already been admitted into the program. There’s not even a pass/fail grade. NO GRADING, Kelly. I can’t comprehend this with my body, even when my mind is solemnly proclaiming it. There’s just so much I don’t know. I’ve been frustrated by that. Really frustrated. Frustration gives me the opportunity to practice patience, though. I want to be able to relax and let go.
All that to reiterate: I’ve declared a Spring Break for myself and am going to lay aside the help books for awhile. I’ve started a book called The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon, which is heavy and dense but requires nothing from me except moving my eyes back and forth along the lines to take in whatever I so please. I also got a couple nuther books, novels, at the bigger Gresham library yesterday on our jaunt (which was wonderful, by the way).
So I figure I might concentrate on my room a little, and fold the crumpled clothes piled on top of the bookcase, and hang up the other ones I’ve strewn on top of my dresser (at least I don’t drop them on the floor, right?). I’m going to put away my huge stack of help books because they only make me hyperventilate whenever I see them. I’m going to stop glutting on Greek because it’s a television show based solely on the lives of young beautiful people just starting out, and I’m tired of being shocked at my old tired self when I look up from the screen and into the mirror. I need another emptying and refilling… but one thing I am learning is that the emptying and refilling is taking place all the time, even when I don’t notice. It’s just that I benefit the most when I pay attention to what’s happening. Then, I can receive comfort. Then, I can truly embrace my leaf-on-a-streamness. Love to all! xo