Girl gone mild

I just put another lamp up in my bedroom because it’s so dark in here when it rains. The overhead light hums mechanically when it’s switched on so I rarely use it; mechanical noises are hard for me to endure. For instance, our bathroom light is directly attached to the fan which keeps mold from taking over, but whose noise gives me the flying heebie-jeebies every time it kicks on. I use the heat lamp light in there, or the tiny nightlight lamp. I don’t like mechanical noises.

The lamp is helping a bit. The last couple days have been odd. On the one hand, the sun (which is now hidden beneath layers of weeping rain clouds) was out and gave me an immense infusion of energy, a beautiful sensation, but today all that’s left of that solar energy is a fluttering restlessness that’s making it impossible to meditate or focus on reading. I decided this morning, after I’d read the same paragraph in my help book twenty times, that I needed a break — a decision precipitated by troubling symptoms of agitated heartbeat and boa constrictor throat, all too familiar carryovers from stressful school days. These were indications that I had begun approaching my inner healing as inner “work,” with a definite end and points to be gained. I’d forgotten that enlightenment will take the rest of my life and maybe even beyond, and that there IS no gradebook. I’ve already been admitted into the program. There’s not even a pass/fail grade. NO GRADING, Kelly. I can’t comprehend this with my body, even when my mind is solemnly proclaiming it. There’s just so much I don’t know. I’ve been frustrated by that. Really frustrated. Frustration gives me the opportunity to practice patience, though. I want to be able to relax and let go.

All that to reiterate: I’ve declared a Spring Break for myself and am going to lay aside the help books for awhile. I’ve started a book called The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon, which is heavy and dense but requires nothing from me except moving my eyes back and forth along the lines to take in whatever I so please. I also got a couple nuther books, novels, at the bigger Gresham library yesterday on our jaunt (which was wonderful, by the way).

So I figure I might concentrate on my room a little, and fold the crumpled clothes piled on top of the bookcase, and hang up the other ones I’ve strewn on top of my dresser (at least I don’t drop them on the floor, right?). I’m going to put away my huge stack of help books because they only make me hyperventilate whenever I see them. I’m going to stop glutting on Greek because it’s a television show based solely on the lives of young beautiful people just starting out, and I’m tired of being shocked at my old tired self when I look up from the screen and into the mirror. I need another emptying and refilling… but one thing I am learning is that the emptying and refilling is taking place all the time, even when I don’t notice. It’s just that I benefit the most when I pay attention to what’s happening. Then, I can receive comfort. Then, I can truly embrace my leaf-on-a-streamness. Love to all! xo


Filed under Woo-woo

5 responses to “Girl gone mild

  1. Ah. The restlessness. I haven’t learned to enjoy that. I have learned to pay attention to it, just as you have, because it is usually trying to tell me something.

    I like your reminder to yourself about how “becoming” is life-long. I prefer the term “awakening” to “enlightenment” for just that reason. Enlightenment sounds like something you suddenly “get” and then you’ve got it and all is well. Whereas, awakening is something that happens gradually and continually. Becoming more and more awake and aware…delightful.

    Becoming comfortable with unknowing…I think that is a gradual process, too. I think we have it when we are children and it makes us inquisitive, curious and expansive. But then we become self-aware as teenagers and suddenly we know ALL. Then we hit our 20s and 30s and realize we DIDN’T know all. Then we hit our 40s and 50s and find out we know even less then we thought we did to start with. My hope is to become more comfortable with the unknowing aspect of existence, to become more like the child-like in this way.

    Oh, and clearing clutter is a marvelous way to clear the head. I wonder why that is? I know it works like magic for me!

    Have a nice spring break!

    • I’ve been asking myself over the past few days what’s causing my throat to close up and have been having some very informative dreams. I love recording my dreams now – or – not so much recording them, as seeing what I can learn from them. I’m not not NOT happy to have entered another phase of restlessness, but as you said, something is going on and it’s all just part of the process.

      I love the word awakening, too! It is gentler, somehow, but I also love the word “enlighten” because to me it sounds like a gradual increase of light, and oh, how I crave light. I can see how someone more familiar with Buddhist terminology would see it differently, though, since once people reach “enlightenment” they’re thought to have arrived. Is that right? I know I’ll never arrive during my time here, hence the frustration! I don’t want to be frustrated, which frustrates me even more! hee. Honestly.

      I think I want to reread the Cloud of Unknowing. I skimmed through parts of it a million years ago, but Stephen Mitchell mentioned it in his book and it sounds good. I know that’s been your call lately: to become comfortable with not knowing. I want that, too. It takes a long time to retrain a western mind…

      • twila

        Oh, I remember that book! I loved it in my “christian mystic” days. I would love to reread it now, see where it may take me. I was astounded at how different “Life of Pi” was to read AC (after christ. hee) How did you like the Mitchell book?

  2. I haven’t finished Mitchell’s book yet… I decided a couple days ago that I was going to read it slowly and more contemplatively, and then yesterday I decided to give myself the Spring Break, so I haven’t gone back to it yet. Slowing down doesn’t mean I don’t absofreakinglutely LOVE it, though. It’s amazing. I see it as the gateway into a completely new way of thinking for me. I was already heading on the path toward a solely “inner” kingdom of God, but now my eyes are opened and my feet securely set. I’m very eager to begin exploring this new land, and all its avenues of thought. I’m happy to feel free enough to go back to some of the christian mystics I used to love, as well… WITH this new perspective. I think I’ll be pleasantly surprised. I don’t want to wholesale hate on the christian tradition. Only the insupportable parts of it, and those I want to come to look at objectively, with a giving heart, because people are only human and are doing their best. Even the most reprehensible people in the world were once babes in arms. Anyway – I’m chatty today! hee. I got Life of Pi out the other day to reread; it’s in my to-do stack of books!

  3. Forgot to say — love the picture!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s