Will someone please crack the window?

I think my spring break needs to be over now. I couldn’t sleep last night – not a wink – and this morning I lay on the living room floor so I could get my cat Horatio to come over and snuggle me. He loves when his people get on the floor. While I was down there, I scootched under the glass-topped coffee table so I could look at the items on it from below, and thought that if I were a little kid, that’s where I’d be ALL the time. It’s a great perspective. But while I was down there I realized that I’m feeling uber-deflated and in serious need of renewal, the kind that comes only from my help stuff. So I’ll get back to reading that soon. I already meditated a little this morning, which is something else I’d put aside for the week(ish) I took off.

I honestly feel at the loosest ends possible, completely unable to step out of myself and into the great psychedelic outdoors. The other day I found myself journaling all these “ex” words, saying I want to expand, and extend my boundaries, and experience extra examples of ecstasy (okay, so I fudged the last one). All these exes reveal how deeply I long to move out of navel-gazing and into practicing what I’ve learned… but I’m having such a hard time doing that. Even getting together with friends is a challenge, due to the anxiety I feel. I’ve limited my stressors to nearly zed, whereas I used to be out there all the time, in the public doing my thing and being seen. One book I picked up has given me a sense of camaraderie, however, and that’s The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. It’s all about depression and anxiety and it’s amazing and I relate to so much of it. The information it’s given me has been comforting and helpful, but whenever I get out these days, I still get freakishly stressed. What goes on in my head? I feel people pulling at me, like the guy behind the counter at the DMV, where I went to get my license kerfuffle taken care of the other day. I used to be able to blow energy vampires off, but not any more. Now I carry them with me the rest of the day. It’s as if my antennae are constantly up and a-quivering and it’s literally been unnerving for me. I know I’m out of practice and have let my guard down, and what I need to do is refit myself with a new force field to deflect the bad juju, but I seem to be lacking the wherewithal to take care of myself in that way.

On the flip side, the love I’ve felt from people has been equally powerful, and I’ve had some really good interactions lately, really healthy and nourishing ones. Ach, I know the stresses I have are no different from the stresses everyone else has in the western world, and my God, imagine living where there’s constant war and guerrillas threatening your village and starvation and neighbors wanting to chop you up with their machetes. I realize all that, but knowing it doesn’t still the battle raging inside. That will take *ex*perimenting with all sorts of balancing measures: from social events to exercise to eating right to being generous to being productive to playing and laughing and crying and taking my vitamins. Maybe even medication at some point. A balancing act everyone has to perform, all the time. So anyway, thanks for letting me vent, sweeties. Today is a new day. Love! xo

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4 Comments

Filed under God I'm depressed, Hope

4 responses to “Will someone please crack the window?

  1. Hi Kells! I like this post. It’s rambling and real, just like life. I like that you had an insight lying under your glass-top coffee table. It’s all about perspective, isn’t it? :)

    I can really relate to your description of dealing with people. I used to have a good force-field, too. I don’t have it any more and it can be tough, but I don’t miss it. That force field protected me from the energy vampires, but only by keeping me separate. When the force-field is gone, the love can flow both ways. I look at people differently than I used to. I used to relate to them based on how they were acting or how they were treating me. Now, I usually relate in a less reactive way. Not always, but sometimes a very rude person is won over by my equanimity and I am allowed the joy of easing someone’s unhappiness just a little. I come across a lot of unhappy people, working as a server. But I look at people differently now. I SEE them. Not just as annoying or sweet, but as someone who is just like me. Tied up in knots, broken, just generally fucked up. I feel compassion. It really amazes me sometimes.

    Anyway, the point I’m trying so poorly to make is that your being more affected by people may not necessarily be a bad thing. It could be a step in your personal evolution!

    Oh, btw, I posted a poem called “Tide Pools” today. I thought of you when I read it.

    • Hello, chicky. Your point wasn’t poorly made at all! I know what you’re saying, and I agree with you for the most part… It’s just that I don’t want to be shattered by those people and situations. I would like to be able to meet them with the equanimity you’re developing! Hopefully that will happen… But yes, I definitely am happy that I’m more sensitive again. Prayer and meditation really opens up a body for that, doesn’t it? And it’s SUCH a relief to see people, and myself mostly, as broken and in need of love – and not as The Enemy of My Beliefs. Well, I’m still dealing with that, but it’s getting a little better. :)

      I’ll run over and read Tide Pools again. I read it the other day but wasn’t in a place to soak it in. Today is an improvement. love love

  2. Vent away! That’s what blogging & friends are for :)

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling so down/anxious. Hope you and your exes get back together soon so you can expand and experience extra examples of ecstasy

    • That’s so encouraging, Fency. Thank you for giving me permission, and I completely MEAN THAT. It’s nice to have people who actually want to hear your thoughts. And I’m working on getting those exes in order. :) Next step, church tomorrow! Eeps!

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