I think my spring break needs to be over now. I couldn’t sleep last night – not a wink – and this morning I lay on the living room floor so I could get my cat Horatio to come over and snuggle me. He loves when his people get on the floor. While I was down there, I scootched under the glass-topped coffee table so I could look at the items on it from below, and thought that if I were a little kid, that’s where I’d be ALL the time. It’s a great perspective. But while I was down there I realized that I’m feeling uber-deflated and in serious need of renewal, the kind that comes only from my help stuff. So I’ll get back to reading that soon. I already meditated a little this morning, which is something else I’d put aside for the week(ish) I took off.
I honestly feel at the loosest ends possible, completely unable to step out of myself and into the great psychedelic outdoors. The other day I found myself journaling all these “ex” words, saying I want to expand, and extend my boundaries, and experience extra examples of ecstasy (okay, so I fudged the last one). All these exes reveal how deeply I long to move out of navel-gazing and into practicing what I’ve learned… but I’m having such a hard time doing that. Even getting together with friends is a challenge, due to the anxiety I feel. I’ve limited my stressors to nearly zed, whereas I used to be out there all the time, in the public doing my thing and being seen. One book I picked up has given me a sense of camaraderie, however, and that’s The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. It’s all about depression and anxiety and it’s amazing and I relate to so much of it. The information it’s given me has been comforting and helpful, but whenever I get out these days, I still get freakishly stressed. What goes on in my head? I feel people pulling at me, like the guy behind the counter at the DMV, where I went to get my license kerfuffle taken care of the other day. I used to be able to blow energy vampires off, but not any more. Now I carry them with me the rest of the day. It’s as if my antennae are constantly up and a-quivering and it’s literally been unnerving for me. I know I’m out of practice and have let my guard down, and what I need to do is refit myself with a new force field to deflect the bad juju, but I seem to be lacking the wherewithal to take care of myself in that way.
On the flip side, the love I’ve felt from people has been equally powerful, and I’ve had some really good interactions lately, really healthy and nourishing ones. Ach, I know the stresses I have are no different from the stresses everyone else has in the western world, and my God, imagine living where there’s constant war and guerrillas threatening your village and starvation and neighbors wanting to chop you up with their machetes. I realize all that, but knowing it doesn’t still the battle raging inside. That will take *ex*perimenting with all sorts of balancing measures: from social events to exercise to eating right to being generous to being productive to playing and laughing and crying and taking my vitamins. Maybe even medication at some point. A balancing act everyone has to perform, all the time. So anyway, thanks for letting me vent, sweeties. Today is a new day. Love! xo