Today something really sad happened to me, something that had never happened before. A friend who had previously been very close rejected me, with absolutely no chance of redemption. It felt so terrible that I would wish it on nobody, not even the worst person ever, and I only pray that I’ll always remember how it feels solely so I never treat another person in the same way. I did something similar once to someone I loved and haven’t been able to even find her since in order to reconcile and ask her forgiveness, ten years later. I miss her, like, every other day. Being rejected is not going to sour me on relationships, however, even with this friend. I’m still going to put myself out there and be vulnerable and real and all the me I can be, because that’s so important. I won’t pretend I don’t feel like suck, though. You just feel so helpless.
Apart from that, life is actually good. Which is incredible for me to hear coming out of my own mouth because some of my circumstances are utter crap and people would not believe that even one tiny little good thing could ever be involved in them. But I was sitting in my prayer chair (because it rhymes) today, meditating quietly by looking around the room, when I suddenly felt an amazing and incredible peace flow over me regarding the fact that I have zero self-confidence left. Zed. I can’t get a job, can’t keep friends, and for some reason even the strangers at the local college are refusing to return my calls. Yet, I know beyond a shadow that I’m right where God wants me. In his little pocket, riding around in her little purse. And that I’m everything God wants me to be. That everything’s okay. I haven’t felt like this in forever, and I even sang a spontaneous little song to God from my cloud of joy. It went like this:
“Ho-o-oly… ho-l-y… ho-o-l-y…
“Submi-i-ission… subm-i-i-s-s-ion… etc.”
You can’t tell from that, but it was really pretty and meaningful, and I sang it into the carpet because where I was staring looked like the eye of God. You’ll just have to believe me that it was a Moment. Our church has three, count them, three choirs and I’m thinking I might get my voice back in shape so I can audition for one of them. They sing songs in Swahili and Italian and two weeks ago sang a Requiem accompanied by a real chamber orchestra. They’re so classy.
You guys, listen to my favorite Late Great Harry Chapin song. It’s really beautiful. Ignore the weird accompanying crop circle video unless you’re into that. Thanks for being here! kiss!