Forget-me-nots would have worked, too

Just coming to my blog and seeing those tortoises at the top comforts me… Today is a hard day. This has been a hard week, emotionally, though the spiritual dividends of my struggle will be immeasurable, I hope. That hope, along with my tortoises, also comforts me.

I’m waiting to hear back from the college regarding the Medical Transcription program, good grief. Getting someone to contact me has been an exercise in Gandhi-like patience (WAS he patient? I don’t really know). It’s hard knowing when to stop pushing, fighting, and leaping obstacles, and just let myself float in the current instead…  Our culture says to keep shoving forward like the little engine that could – I think I can I think I can – never letting up for a second. But I was thinking today that my most recent lesson might be ‘surrender’. In fact, my body bears it out because my arms have turned to lead weights and I have no energy at all. I am utterly exhausted. This pressing-down feels different from other times of depression, probably because at my deepest level, now, I am certain that I’m in the right place at the right time. I am learning to trust God completely, though whenever I get too deep into that trust I inevitably panic and head for the surface. It’s hard to breathe underwater, but that’s really what’s required in trust. It’s about becoming a baby in a womb again. Which reminds me: the other day I was meditating and suddenly felt that I was enclosed in a golden egg. Which is pretty cool. See? Trust can be awesomely cool when I can manage to keep it uppermost in my mind. But I panic too easily. Maybe we all do, at certain times. I’m sure we do. Another lesson I’m learning is to love myself and let myself fail and make mistakes and do my best even if I’ve misunderstood the directions.

I’ve had two soul-feeding days alone this week, as Torie has been away. I love love love having her here, but to be able to process my stuff privately has been a real gift and I’m so grateful. She’ll be heading for NC for a couple weeks, starting this Sunday, and I’m looking forward to that time as well, even though I’ll miss her. The last year before she was married was a tough one between us, but during the time she’s stayed here while Mark has been in Iraq, we’ve grown very close, and I’m so blessed that she’s referred to me as her friend several times. I feel the same way about her. I’m happy, very happy, that Jess has decided to live here in Oregon while he attends school, and Van has settled here for now, too. I’m so thankful to have my children close, and I don’t take this time for granted. Every day I look out on the back patio and see the beautiful basket of impatiens they gave me for Mom’s Day (which is pretty hilarious, considering the flower’s name and my current struggle; I’m only seeing that just now), and I can remember that my kids love me. Thanks for listening, all. kiss!

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4 Comments

Filed under Fambly, God I'm depressed, Hope, Woo-woo

4 responses to “Forget-me-nots would have worked, too

  1. Kel, I know what you mean by it being different from the other times of depression. Here are two of my favorite quotes about this:

    Despair is the only cure for illusion. Without despair we cannot transfer our allegiance to reality… it is a kind of mourning period for our fantasies. Some people do not survive despair, but no major change within a person can occur without it.” Philip Slater (I’ve come to see that when I have a moment of deep insight, whether into myself or others or the universe…it is often followed by a period of sadness. This quote helps me then.

    Privation and suffering are the only things that can open the mind of man to those things which are hidden from others. Inuit mystic Igjugarjuk (This one helps me to see the good in the dark times when I can’t find any other goodness in them. They offer a path to insight, if we let them.

    I’m happy to hear about your unfolding friendship with Torrie. My youngest, Desirae, was like an evil alien for about a decade, but now is my best friend. She is so like me! Except smarter and prettier and funnier. Plus, she isn’t shy! Lucky girl.

    • I love both quotes, and agree with them, dammit. :) Yes, the door to reality and true freedom can only be wriggled through on our stomachs, with our faces in the dirt. To look at it one way. sigh. But that’s okay; it’s worth the pain.

      Isn’t it fantastic when our daughters suddenly see us not as the enemy, but as real live flesh-and-blood women like themselves? And, I suppose, vice versa… It’s been amazing to realize how much Torie and I are alike, as you’ve found with Desirae, and now I think we can both revel in our differences and really appreciate them. Torie is much bolder than I am in a lot of areas, more willing to put herself out there, and she’s such a wonderful model for me! She’s planning to move back to NC in Octoberish, when Mark gets home. BOO HICKEY BOO. Sadness.

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