I feel deliciously peaceful this morning, lying here in bed, listening to my ambient ocean sounds and nothing else… the house is so quiet. Well, there’s some odd mechanical hum that I’ve never noticed before but I can overlook that. I heard back from my friend of yesterday’s post, and we’re talking things out, which is so good. I’m not sure what the final outcome will be, but this morning, at least, I’m willing to let things be and trust. Just trust.
Last night, Jesse invited us over for a quick supper of salmon and the fixins and while we ate we watched The Half-Blood Prince, which made me so excited for the next movie! Also:
While I was watching a very emotional part of the movie, I felt my whole body fill with that incredible rush of warmth that ends at the top of your head and just stays there for awhile, buzzing merrily. I’ve felt that a few times lately and it’s reminded me that now, after being spiritually numb for so long, I am once again awake and alive. Also:
I colored my hair a deeper, darker red and have gotten several compliments on it. Nice.
While I’m still 30 pounds heavier than my absolute ideal, I’m feeling lighter on my feet today, which is probably tied more to my spirit than my body. Go spirit!
My blog makes me happy. Go turtles!
All week long, and you can ask Torie if I’m telling the truth because I am, I’ve been thinking that tomorrow is Sunday. On Monday I thought tomorrow was Sunday. On Tuesday I thought tomorrow was Sunday. And so on. I’m so pleased that today I can think tomorrow is Sunday and be absolutely correct on that point. I guess I must really be needing church. Go awesome spiritual community! Go on with your bad selves!
I’m not sure what today holds. It’s raining. AGAIN. And it’s supposed to rain all week. I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m fine with that because I really miss the sun, but again, I suppose, the lesson is to learn to accept things I’m not fine with. Which on a deeper level is a lesson in humility. The older I’ve gotten, the more humility has been imposed upon me, and I’m pretty sure that’s the way it goes for everyone. The world belongs to us all, but it’s the youngers who keep it spinning at its fast pace. I’m a middler and can no longer keep up with them, nor do I want to. I can let them bound on ahead while I lollygog near the back, looking at butterflies. Actually, I’ve always been like that, even when I was young, so this is a pretty easy transition for me. Except for the physical part, where your body bits begin to sag and your cheeks fall into your jowls and you succumb to cellulite and wrinkled skin and your hormones go crazy but not in a sexy come-hither way but in more of a just-kill-me-now kind of way… that part I could do without. But the alternative to THAT glorious image is death, and I’m not quite ready for that yet, so I’ll take what’s coming to me.
Hey, which reminds me to tell you something really awesome. I’ve been a very suicidal type of person, as some of you know. It has never seemed like that big uh deal to me because I’ve believed that either you die and then there’s nothing, or you die and then there’s heaven. Either option seemed better than enduring an overwhelmingly painful existence on earth. But Judith Orloff wrote something in her book Emotional Freedom that stopped me in my tracks. I can’t remember her exact wording, but the gist of it was that she believes that people who end their own lives still have to work through their pain after their death, only without the familiarity of the body they’d been born into. She said she feels it’s better to work through everything we’re intended to work through during our time here on earth, because the next phase has its own challenges and doesn’t need previous baggage added to it. I still don’t know for sure what happens after we die, though I’m beginning to feel some kind of truth about it, for myself. But what she said makes sense, and if nothing else, it’s been a huge influence on the way I look at suicide now. At life in general, really. Go Judith! I love her. Thanks for listening, you guys. kiss!