I haven’t been able to sleep tonight and am fighting a lot of negative emotion, but this morning Torie heads for North Carolina for two weeks to be with her husband Mark while he’s on leave from Iraq, so I’m going to lay any negativity aside and focus on her. She has to be at the airport at 7 am. I’ll miss her a ton, but I’m going to take the time she’s away to create a spiritual retreat for myself because I really-really need one. After the airport, we’ll grab breakfast at McDonald’s (don’t you judge me) and then go to church, which I consider to be the first leg of my retreat. I’m so glad it’s starting naturally on a Sunday. It’s perfect. It’s only 3:30 am but I went ahead and showered anyway and will make coffee soon because I’ve decided to just roll over and cede to the insomnia, a beaten, wounded calf with bloodshot eyes and clean hair. Gee, my hair smells terrific, though.
I’ll probably crash into a quivering heap this afternoon. Maybe I’ll sleep for the entire two weeks Torie’s gone. Imagine. But I won’t. I’ll do a few things I have to do, but for the most part I’m really going to dig in to the Spirit. I’ve had a few shining moments of revelation lately and am even beginning to notice a personal theory developing, though I’m probably not going to talk about it much. I’m just going to do it and see if it works. I think it will, and I think it’s going to be rich and powerful and wooing and right up my alley, perfectly geared just for me, as every personal theory should be for its personal owner. I’ve followed this philosophy and that, and listened to mentors galore, but now – at my age and with my experience – I’m ready to listen to myself and to God within me, and trust us both. My ears won’t be closed to other people, that’s not what I mean; in fact, I’m working on developing my intuition so I can pick up on all kinds of advice: obvious, lightly-salted, and unintended alike. But I’m ready to assimilate it myself for awhile. Toss it in my brain pot and let it simmer… see what kind of tasty concoction emerges. One will, of course. All of us have a tasty stew in our brain pots, if we use the right ingredients.
Some of my current delicious ingredients: The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron, and Positive Energy by Judith Orloff. I should be finished with the glorious Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss tomorrow. Love to you all today. kiss!