Today feels odd… not necessarily bad, just odd. Jess came over yesterday and spent the night, happy to have the Spare Oom to use while Torie’s away, and when I got up this morning he was in the living room, working on sign language with the ASL dvd he got from the library. I love having Jesse here, but so far my much-anticipated retreat has consisted of one full and wonderful day alone, and only two mornings. Not bad, and more than a lot of people get, but still not what I’d wanted. I’m not really complaining, though. I’m just making a slightly rueful face.
It’s raining today. Again. And it’s seriously interfering with my mood, which is always on rather shaky ground anyway and doesn’t need any help finding its way to the dark side. I need a Something to do with my life. Something Meaningful. I’ve been so discouraged by the school not getting back to me that I haven’t wanted to pursue it anymore, plus there are other mild considerations that make the decision confusing. I don’t know. Yesterday was very, very difficult to get into spiritually, and today is shaping up to feel the same. I’m such an ebber and flower… A passion one day can quickly scootch to the background to make way for another the next, so while it doesn’t exactly disappear forever, it can seem like it. For instance, months ago I started to make a small papier-mache screen for the electronics shelf on one of the living room bookcases, and got only as far as the cardboard form and no further. It’s like, I’m reverting back to my previous life’s habit of never finishing anything. That sucks.
Does my complaining make you think I’m stupid and boring? Because that’s what this book I’m reading, First Impressions, tells me people initially think about people who complain. But most of you guys already know me by now so I don’t have to worry about it. You already know that I’m stupid and boring, which I was kidding about until I just this minute realized that I’m boring myself. To death. Bloody gunderheichen, I AM boring. I think that if you’re going to be blue you should at least be funny about it, but I don’t even have that in my corner right now. Maybe I should take up drugs and drinking to excess, because then I’d always have an AA meeting to go to. They should have AA-type meetings available to people who feel lost, confused, and alone but who don’t overindulge in substances. Why don’t they? That would totally eliminate the need TO overindulge, no? I think I’m on to something. Maybe I should start a group! Hey!
Nah, too much trouble.
My dad gave me the card of some woman he met who helps blocked and/or discouraged writers get back on track again. Since all I really want to do is write, but currently have nothing to write about and feel scattered as hell, maybe I should talk to her. I need a pick-me-up, quick. Aaand, that’s enough of that. Love to all!