Be here, now

So, I was watching In Treatment a couple weeks ago and realized that Gabriel Byrne and I have the same droopy left eye, which – in my mind – goes a looong way toward explaining my years-long attraction to him. My obviously ego-driven attraction to him/myself. hee. God.

Speaking of egos and God, you guys, I’ve been doing lots of soul searching and discovery stuff while I’ve been away, which feels longer than it really has been. Mostly, I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle and he’s been blowing my mind, which is his point exactly, in his unbelievably gentle and nigh-otherworldly way. It’s like he was set down here from another planet, a benevolent planet of still waters and pretty-pretty flowers, where they speak German. If you’ve never heard him and would like to, here’s a link. I’ve read The Power of Now and am now reading A New Earth. I love him. Today I just wanted to soak in his presence all day long until I reminded myself that the last thing I need is a guru. sigh. I WANNA guru really bad because that would make life so much easier for me. Man.

It’s hard for me to know how to live, the best way to live. You can mock me or pity me for caring about this, but I hope you won’t because the world really needs to wake up and ask the same question. I have already seen, most likely, well over half of my life and I’d like to make my remaining years as meaningful as possible. For me that means I want to stop making decisions from my ego, which is CRAZY. It catastrophizes situations, develops codependent relationships, looks to others for validation, and tries to find a personal identity by association with certain people, philosophies, religions, or other collective identities. It sees everything that happens to me as my fault. Sometimes my actions bring adverse results, but not everything hinges on me. I’m trying to live out of my essence, but circumventing my ego isn’t easy, even though Eckhart says it is (sigh). I mean, sometimes it’s easy… sometimes I get living in the present, 100%, and can feel life and love and energy and light surging through every cell of my body, but other times all I want to do is run to the nearest escape and wallow in it, even if that escape is sadness and anger, based on the past, or anxiety and worry, based on the future; even if that escape is attention and praise from others… ‘bad’ and ‘good’, despair and hope, the escapes are the same: ego-driven and transitory. Some people live their entire lives like this, and I don’t want to be one of them… not anymore. Living like this keeps us in a perpetual state of comparison and separation, either superior or inferior, never equal. But forgiving yourself and others in every single moment takes a lot of practice, whoo-boy.

Anyway, it’s nice to be back, talking to you. Happy 4th of July weekend. Love love!


Filed under Celebrity crush, Stuff to read, Woo-woo

7 responses to “Be here, now

  1. Rod

    Kelly, have you read A million miles in a thousand years, what I learned while editing my life by Donald Miller, good book on spirituality and story.

    • I tried Donald Miller a million years ago, and didn’t like his style, from what I remember, but I’m willing to try him again! I’ll see if they have that book at the liberry. :)

  2. I love what you wrote here. It so resonates with me. My biggest problem about all of that is that I rush to KNOW all I can learn…with my intellect. But knowing and doing are two different things, of course. So I try to stay with my contemplative practices, where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. When I slack off in the doing, the knowing serves only to pinch me in my tender spots. Remembering just to be is something I just can’t do unless I sit meditation and do mindfulness practices, etc. It used to be the same with my spirituality when I was a churcher. So I should be an old pro at this by now. Which I’m not. So, thanks for the reminder this morning to focus on the doing more than on the knowing.

    I’ll have to give the Power of Now another go. I have a date with my bff the library tomorrow, so I’ll check it out. xxoo

    • I know what you’re saying. I consistently find myself ‘waiting’ until this is no longer a constant challenge for me too… because it’s so easy to forget that we don’t have to wait! We can become aware, awake, right where we are, right at the moment, and that’s enough, that’s the work. It’s just so opposite from what we’re used to. But once we taste just ‘being’ we have a blueprint for what it feels like and it’s easier to access, and the more we practice, the easier it gets. It’s been such a relief to realize that the simple recognition that I’m operating out of ego instead of essence means I’m conscious, which is the whole point! Everything after that will fall into place – all the details. I’m just learning all this stuff, Twi – even though it’s become evident that my whole life has been leading to this stage in my development (and goes beyond as well). It’s been amazing and even though I haven’t always been happy, I’ve felt such incredible contentment and joy lately. I’ve been reading Ram Dass’s classic Be Here, Now. Have you read it? Oh, I LOVE it, I love ALL of this. I’m home. :) xoxo

    • ETA: I hope I’m not being obnoxious in my enthusiasm… Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell when I need to back off and not let my story override someone else’s! I hope I haven’t done that with you. I just want to shout this message from the rooftops. It’s good – GOOD – to have you to discuss this with, even in little bits. Love love love, and gratitude!

  3. I’m leaving a comment here because the final post won’t let me comment. Grrr.

    Anyway, all I have to say is nooooooo! But also, I understand. You do what you need to do. But I will miss your superb writing and your humor and your life. But most of all, your spiritual journey. The snapshots of this trek have girded me, inspired me and given me hope. Also a sense of connection that will now suffer. Sniff.

    Are you signing off from Hedonistic Mystic as well? If so, I am doomed. No, just kidding. Don’t disappear completely, that is all I ask. Please. Unless you have to. But then, I must insist that you reappear one day, maybe when I least expect it, and tell me all about it.

    • Oh, I had a feeling I should have told everyone that I disabled comments on my last post! I’m sorry for causing you even a little frustration.

      Thank you, Twytie, for your kind words; they mean SO much to me. But our connection needn’t suffer! I would love to continue corresponding with you via other means, as we’ve been doing… That way we can be more thorough and honest, since some details shouldn’t be open to the public.

      Your question about Hedonistic Mystic got me reconsidering, because I had planned to quit that, too. But maybe it can be a place I share some of my spiritual journey, whenever I feel compelled to. So I won’t say no to posting there occasionally. I just need to limit my ego-feeding, and you KNOW how blogs can be in that department. Yikes.

      I love you, Twila. I met YOU through blogs, and for that I’m forever grateful. xo

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