So, I was watching In Treatment a couple weeks ago and realized that Gabriel Byrne and I have the same droopy left eye, which – in my mind – goes a looong way toward explaining my years-long attraction to him. My obviously ego-driven attraction to him/myself. hee. God.
Speaking of egos and God, you guys, I’ve been doing lots of soul searching and discovery stuff while I’ve been away, which feels longer than it really has been. Mostly, I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle and he’s been blowing my mind, which is his point exactly, in his unbelievably gentle and nigh-otherworldly way. It’s like he was set down here from another planet, a benevolent planet of still waters and pretty-pretty flowers, where they speak German. If you’ve never heard him and would like to, here’s a link. I’ve read The Power of Now and am now reading A New Earth. I love him. Today I just wanted to soak in his presence all day long until I reminded myself that the last thing I need is a guru. sigh. I WANNA guru really bad because that would make life so much easier for me. Man.
It’s hard for me to know how to live, the best way to live. You can mock me or pity me for caring about this, but I hope you won’t because the world really needs to wake up and ask the same question. I have already seen, most likely, well over half of my life and I’d like to make my remaining years as meaningful as possible. For me that means I want to stop making decisions from my ego, which is CRAZY. It catastrophizes situations, develops codependent relationships, looks to others for validation, and tries to find a personal identity by association with certain people, philosophies, religions, or other collective identities. It sees everything that happens to me as my fault. Sometimes my actions bring adverse results, but not everything hinges on me. I’m trying to live out of my essence, but circumventing my ego isn’t easy, even though Eckhart says it is (sigh). I mean, sometimes it’s easy… sometimes I get living in the present, 100%, and can feel life and love and energy and light surging through every cell of my body, but other times all I want to do is run to the nearest escape and wallow in it, even if that escape is sadness and anger, based on the past, or anxiety and worry, based on the future; even if that escape is attention and praise from others… ‘bad’ and ‘good’, despair and hope, the escapes are the same: ego-driven and transitory. Some people live their entire lives like this, and I don’t want to be one of them… not anymore. Living like this keeps us in a perpetual state of comparison and separation, either superior or inferior, never equal. But forgiving yourself and others in every single moment takes a lot of practice, whoo-boy.
Anyway, it’s nice to be back, talking to you. Happy 4th of July weekend. Love love!