And Now…

Hello, pretties! I know… I said I wasn’t going to post again, but then, when have I ever been able to refrain from doing something I love for long? Let’s see if I can avoid truckloads of ego, which is why I lay the blog down in the first place… Wish me luck. Wish HARDER. While you’re doing that, I’m going to make myself a smoothie. Be back with you in two shakes.

Mi mamacita on the Fourth of July

All right, here we go. I guess I’ll start with my most looming situation. As many of you know, my mom has been very, very ill for over a month now. She almost died of a bowel infection that came out of nowhere and still has everybody scratching their heads. The good news is: she’s well over the hump now and into recovery, though I suppose you could say the ‘bad’ news is it’s going to be a mighty long recovery. She’s currently in a rehab facility (see: nursing home, sigh) and will be there for however long it takes for her to become mobile so that we can more easily care for her when she gets home. Once she’s home it will undoubtedly be months before she’s fully healed.

I put the ‘bad’ up there in quotes because I believe that everything has its ultimate good. I can’t speak for anyone else, and certainly not my mom – and I can’t wait until we can fully discuss how this has affected her – but for myself her illness is teaching me some much-needed lessons in selfless serving. Sitting by her bedside hour after hour, rubbing her hands, her feet, washing her face with a cool cloth, putting drops in her eyes, feeding her ice chips, trying to understand what she says, explaining things to her that she can’t quite grasp yet or forgets about – all of this has grown such incredible love for her inside of me, which is an astounding development in such a devoted, lifelong, wannabe princess of gimme.

I’m so grateful.

On a newsier note, what’s really amazing about how things work out is that I had been feeling very strongly, even before my mom got sick, that my plans for school this fall weren’t going to come to fruition. I went ahead and jumped through the hoops, registered, got my eggs in a row and my ducks in a basket anyway, but had a feeler it just wasn’t going to happen. What a great heads-up! Because when she did get sick, I was psychologically prepared to do what I felt I had to do, and set school aside for awhile. Besides that, the occupation I was wanting an education for was all head, and suddenly, I’m finding myself wanting to develop more of my heart. This desire for heart growth stems from my relatively recent spiritual practice of being present as much as possible–no longer focusing on the past or future, except as necessary, but living mainly right Now–as well as my attempts to transmute the energy of my personal suffering into compassion for others. I can’t express to you the joy this shift in attitude has given me. Even when I thought my mom was going to die, I could remain calm and trusting, able to surrender to, accept, a situation that before would have been untenable. I’m not always in this state of peace; lots of times I’ll suddenly wake up and realize that I’ve been stewing in a miasma of black unconscious thought; but even becoming conscious of the smog makes a difference. Being present makes all the difference. So who knows what my next year will bring? I’m excited for it, for every day, because no matter what comes along, on the ultimate level it will be Good.

And now it’s time to get dressed and head over to see my mom! Hopefully in that order. I’m going to stop by her house first to find a few pictures and familiar items to make her feel more at home while she’s at the Village. Thanks, you guys, for letting me share some of my thoughts with you. It’s nice to have this outlet. Love to you! xo

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “And Now…

  1. Great to have you back Kelly. And I’m sooo glad that things are improving with your Mam! Hope things keep on improving, even if it may take time.

  2. Fence! I’m glad to see you for two reasons: one, because I’m glad to see you for YOU, and two, because I thought I’d broken my comments for good… I realized a couple days ago they were still disabled and monkeyed around with them but didn’t think what I did worked. Apparently, it did! Whew.

    I’m glad things are getting better for my mom, too. Her rehab is going to take a very long time, though… Yikes. I called the school this morning and withdrew from my fall classes, so that’s done. I’m going to start gathering healthy recipes that I can cook for when she gets home, though every day she tells me, “Ohhh, they made cinnamon rolls (or banana bread, etc) today!” :) She still has her sweet tooth, even if she hasn’t been able to eat anything for ages. xo

  3. lorraine

    This is an amazing post and so selfless. You are such an example to me in how you are loving your mom through this. It just makes me realize yet again how blessed I am to call you friend. And it never fails to amuse me that you can take the most serious situation and bring in subtle silliness like getting dressed and then heading over to see your mom “in that order”. You goose.

    • Hello, pickle. Lest you think I’m consistently and insufferably selfless, you should know that the very next day was not the greatest in the universe, and it took me forever to find my perky place again. I was cra-a-a-nky. I’m still learning. But it IS amazing how much I’ve come to love my mom through this! Serving someone really does grow love in you. Imagine! Or I suppose it doesn’t always… but I’m happy that it has in me. And whatchoo sayin? I’m inutterably blessed to call YOU friend!! xo

  4. Only crazy people never get cranky!

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