Hello, pretties! I know… I said I wasn’t going to post again, but then, when have I ever been able to refrain from doing something I love for long? Let’s see if I can avoid truckloads of ego, which is why I lay the blog down in the first place… Wish me luck. Wish HARDER. While you’re doing that, I’m going to make myself a smoothie. Be back with you in two shakes.
All right, here we go. I guess I’ll start with my most looming situation. As many of you know, my mom has been very, very ill for over a month now. She almost died of a bowel infection that came out of nowhere and still has everybody scratching their heads. The good news is: she’s well over the hump now and into recovery, though I suppose you could say the ‘bad’ news is it’s going to be a mighty long recovery. She’s currently in a rehab facility (see: nursing home, sigh) and will be there for however long it takes for her to become mobile so that we can more easily care for her when she gets home. Once she’s home it will undoubtedly be months before she’s fully healed.
I put the ‘bad’ up there in quotes because I believe that everything has its ultimate good. I can’t speak for anyone else, and certainly not my mom – and I can’t wait until we can fully discuss how this has affected her – but for myself her illness is teaching me some much-needed lessons in selfless serving. Sitting by her bedside hour after hour, rubbing her hands, her feet, washing her face with a cool cloth, putting drops in her eyes, feeding her ice chips, trying to understand what she says, explaining things to her that she can’t quite grasp yet or forgets about – all of this has grown such incredible love for her inside of me, which is an astounding development in such a devoted, lifelong, wannabe princess of gimme.
I’m so grateful.
On a newsier note, what’s really amazing about how things work out is that I had been feeling very strongly, even before my mom got sick, that my plans for school this fall weren’t going to come to fruition. I went ahead and jumped through the hoops, registered, got my eggs in a row and my ducks in a basket anyway, but had a feeler it just wasn’t going to happen. What a great heads-up! Because when she did get sick, I was psychologically prepared to do what I felt I had to do, and set school aside for awhile. Besides that, the occupation I was wanting an education for was all head, and suddenly, I’m finding myself wanting to develop more of my heart. This desire for heart growth stems from my relatively recent spiritual practice of being present as much as possible–no longer focusing on the past or future, except as necessary, but living mainly right Now–as well as my attempts to transmute the energy of my personal suffering into compassion for others. I can’t express to you the joy this shift in attitude has given me. Even when I thought my mom was going to die, I could remain calm and trusting, able to surrender to, accept, a situation that before would have been untenable. I’m not always in this state of peace; lots of times I’ll suddenly wake up and realize that I’ve been stewing in a miasma of black unconscious thought; but even becoming conscious of the smog makes a difference. Being present makes all the difference. So who knows what my next year will bring? I’m excited for it, for every day, because no matter what comes along, on the ultimate level it will be Good.
And now it’s time to get dressed and head over to see my mom! Hopefully in that order. I’m going to stop by her house first to find a few pictures and familiar items to make her feel more at home while she’s at the Village. Thanks, you guys, for letting me share some of my thoughts with you. It’s nice to have this outlet. Love to you! xo