Torie and I are sitting here on this rainy Friday afternoon watching movies. I decided to come in from my bedroom, where I had been talking to God and reading, because I suddenly realized that she was going to be here for only a very short time and I was MISSING IT. So I’m going to focus on her for the next week; eleven days, to be exact. We watched Couples Retreat, and now we’re watching (500) Days of Summer. My dad called this morning to tell us that my mom was going to the hospital on her doctor’s order; she wanted the emergency room doctors to test for congestive heart failure, and that’s been niggling at me, but I just talked to him again and he said that they’re going to admit her for further testing and observation, and it’s just to find out why she’s still swelling. I think it’ll be okay. I’m not going to worry. (Since I started this post there’s been an update and it appears she was malnourished! That’s easily remedied, whew.)
This morning, before rushing to the living room to spend the afternoon with my daughter, I had a really excellent conversation with God, which was confirmed when I watched Couples Retreat (really good, actually, despite unrealistic endings for two of the couples). Since I can remember – since I began dating anyway, at fifteen – I’ve approached romantic love almost solely from an egoistic standpoint… normal, because that’s how the vast majority of people approach it. For reasons I’ll save for a possible nuther post because they’re beside the point, and besides, I’m not sure I know all of them, I’ve developed emotional infatuations and/or relationships with men throughout my life, most of them during my marriage, since I got married at nineteen. As you can imagine, this has caused me the most excruciating pain over the years–pain brought on by my decisions, though they were made unconsciously.
I had a dream several years ago that my marriage was a huge, big, black, closet, and I couldn’t find the light, and didn’t want to find the light. I wanted to find the way out. It was a very sad dream, and this morning I remembered it, as I was talking with God. For years I’ve avoided romantic stories like the plague: movies and books alike, they literally make me sick to my stomach, they upset me so much. Whenever I hear somebody talk about how much they love their spouse, my heart seizes with envy. Because I never really felt that for my husband, I looked for it everywhere else, but still never found happiness. It was never Scott’s fault; he’s a wonderful person, and amazingly longsuffering; he loves me. No, it’s because my unhappiness lies somewhere in that huge black closet and was there before I ever invited anybody else in. It’s because my happiness has nothing to do with anyone else, but with me and how I view my life.
Vince Vaughn, half of one of the couples in the movie, told his friend something like, “Either you’re in the marriage, or you’re out…. Make your choice!” I’ve heard that before, of course, but this morning I really heard it, and made my decision. I’m going to be in my marriage – fully invested – and see if I can create what I want with what I already have. If I can’t, I can’t, but at least I’ll have given it my all in this lifetime and that’s all I can do. Even more important, I’ll continue to invest in myself, and do everything I can to fulfill my highest and best purpose: to be love, as I wrote in a previous post. It’s the most important thing ever. Everything else will fall into place behind it.
Which reminds me… starting in October, my friend Linda and I are going to meet on Sunday afternoons, along with her friend Dana, to study Pilgrims to Openness by Shambhavi Sarasvati. Both Linda and Dana are yoga instructors and embody much of the lifestyle I’ve come to love for myself. I’m very excited to embark on this new venture! There’s nothing I love better than to see God everywhere and make him my focus. I’m glad to be back home again. Love to all! xo
[ETA: I initially wrote “rainy Saturday afternoon” because all day yesterday I thought it was already the weekend! Good grief. It’s better than the other way around, I suppose. :)]