So, this morning I found myself looking up men who fit under the Aries sign because they’re supposedly the most compatible with my sign, Leo. Talk about a few steps backward from a karmic perspective, right? But it fits into what I’ve been thinking about lately: that we become so familiar with living with emotional pain that we actually court it when we find it abating.
As you know from a previous post, I’ve been immersed to some degree or another in emotional pain most of my life, due to trying to find love, worth, identity – all that – in another person. My last emotional dependency ended a few months ago and now the pain from that is just about completely gone. That’s awesome, right? Well, yes… except that because I’m used to feeling stirred up and upset, and have been for eons, it feels kind of wrong somehow to be okay with myself now. As concepts go, I get it, but life is actually lived experientially, not conceptually; I can know one thing and yet do another altogether. Hence my searching for Aries men, despite all the inevitable accompanying pain that’s driven me into the ground since I was a teenager.
Why would I do this to myself? Eckhart Tolle calls it “feeding the pain-body.” My particular pain body thrives on romantic relationship drama, but other people can feed theirs by identifying with a sickness, disability, philosophy, mindset, occupation, organization, it doesn’t matter what it is – it’s anything that’s approached egoistically. We become used to living that way, and then, if the peace we think we sooo long for finally comes, which it does, at least in pockets, we suddenly get squidgy and try to dredge up some angst; anything to feel safe again in the familiarity of our pain. We’re comforted by it. It’s crazy, but if you look at your own life, you’ll probably see that it’s true to some extent. Maybe most of you aren’t the raging egomaniac that I can be, but then, it’s egomaniacal of me to think that. You probably are.
There there, sweeties.
There’s a part in the movie Swingers that illustrates what I’m saying perfectly. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it the other night. I’ll post the link here so you can watch it (it’s very short) – it also contains excellent advice from the character Rob – but the part I absolutely loved and will type out for you was this tiny exchange with his friend Mike, who was still hurting from a broken relationship:
Mike: “How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?”
Rob: “I don’t know… sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man; it’s like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less and then you wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt at all. And the funny thing is is that – this is kind of weird, but it’s like – it’s like you almost miss that pain.”
Mike: “You miss the pain?”
Rob: “Yeah, for the same reason that you miss her… because you, you lived with it for so long.”
I’m so glad I’ve finally gotten to the meaty heart of this lesson; it’s taken long enough, though obviously (Aries men, gah), it’s going to take me gobs of continued awareness and practice to implement it for good. I will, though. And telling all of you about it keeps me on my toes! Life is wonderful, just the way it is, and peace without drama, while it will take some getting used to, makes it veritably SING. Imagine that. Love! xo