So this morning I was toodling along okay and in fact, got super excited to change around my blog…which I did, as you can see, and which I love, as you can’t see but I’m telling you now… when I went over to Facebook for a couple minutes and got slammed by depression. I don’t know about you, but I HATE it when that happens. I came into my room and cried to God for about five minutes and now I feel a little bit better. After God I put a call in to a friend and got her answering machine, but it still felt good to reach out to her and hear her little voice. I feel lonely today.
Aww, except I just went over to Facebook again to change my profile pic when I found a wonderfully chatty message from Torie that cheered me up immeasurably. I was thinking a few minutes ago that maybe part of what I’m feeling is a delayed case of missing-her. She’s been gone for a little over a week now and while the first few days were fine, as I was busy with Mom and happy to have the TV to myself, I’m now settled into a newish routine that doesn’t include her and it’s a difficult adjustment. I miss her.
I did have a good conversation with Jesse yesterday, however. The nurse was talking with my parents when I got to their house for my afternoon shift, so I very considerately sat at the patio table with Jess, who was on the phone when I got there, and blatantly listened to his conversation until he was annoyed enough to hang up and pay attention to me. No, not really: he rarely gets annoyed anymore. Anyway, he’s really great at asking the right questions, and even though I was in one of those kind of ‘mute’ modes I fall into when I’m blue, I was able to tell him a little of how I was feeling and then glean from his wisdom. He is, and I’m not exaggerating, a holy man in the making; the kind who sits on a blanket in the middle of a field and draws people to him merely with his presence. Stuff that I’m still wrestling with like Jacob and his angel is light as a feather to him. He perches it on his baby finger and twirls it around in its little pink tutu, and laughs. He’s awesome.
My mom is doing great, although yesterday I ended up having The Clash of the Egos with my dad, who was in kind of a baddish mood when I got there. Combined with my baddish mood, well, a few sparks flew now and again, though we tried to at least be polite about them. One step forward, ten steps back, the story of my life… or at least it seems that way… and I get frustrated. But as I was saying above, Jess is almost the ultimate Dude (think the Big Lebowski) and his reminder to stay Present was very welcome. It made a big difference.
There are times when I think that I need to do more in order to find happiness. But then I read something like this, from Eckhart Tolle:
The ego knows nothing of Being but believes you will eventually be saved by doing. If you are in the grip of the ego, you believe that by doing more and more you will eventually accumulate enough “doings” to make yourself feel complete at some point in the future. You won’t. You will only lose yourself in doing.
And it’s true. After the “doing,” the emptiness always creeps back in. That’s why I’ve been trying live a life of “beingness” instead, because then I’m connected directly to the Conduit that supplies spontaneous joy and love and compassion etc., and all my “doings” can erupt from that. There are times I’m reminded that it’s a scary thing to be with yourself and get quiet; stuff comes up that can make us feel sad or angry or hopeless or any other negative emotion. But if we can sit there for a few moments with these emotions without directly thinking about them, but let them float by like clouds in the blue sky of our minds, they’ll soon dissipate and we’ll feel refreshed. God – and we ourselves – are in the silent spaces. And now I’ve written myself back into a place of peace. What a gorgeous day! Love you guys!