I don’t know if this will turn into a post or not. The other day I counted ten half-finished, unpublished posts in my blog queue – TEN! – and I just can’t be sure right now that this won’t become the eleventh. But I don’t know… I feel happy this morning and wanted to tell you. I know why I feel happy, but I don’t know if I’m ready to put the why into words yet. I might just have to soak in it awhile longer, let my right brain continue to dance and shimmer and sing while my left brain sits back to watch, and smiles.
I took some apple quarters out to the squirrel feeder this morning and noticed that a few large branches–one of them pretty big, maybe two inches in diameter–had fallen to the ground and were bisecting the triangle formed by the Three Tree Clusters. I picked up the big one and another slimmer one and brought them to the patio, where I leaned them against the wall to dry out. I’m going to bring the big one in to place on the top of my sacred bookshelves. I’ve been trying to find Scott’s rain stick, one he’d bought maybe twenty years ago, but haven’t been able to. I know it’s around here somewhere… But in the meantime, the beautiful moss-covered branch will do nicely. The slimmer branch, I’m thinking, might make a good curtain rod in the Spare Oom. I have green fabric with embossed leaves to make a valance with, and wouldn’t that be a perfect accompaniment? I think so too.
Ah, for one thing, the sun is out. It’s still cold, but days and days of rain had been getting to me. The past few days I was really depressed, which was a shock to my system, what with the happiness I’d been feeling pretty consistently for several months. I can see now that I was entering a transition, and that’s why I was so pressed down; it was like being in a birthing canal, the cosmic va-jay-jay, and now I’ve popped out into the light of day. And so has the sun, which of course IS the light of day! Perfect timing…. aaand I think I’m ready to share a little.
For several days I had felt on the verge of tears nearly every moment, especially when I was by myself and undistracted. I felt that something was happening inside of me and that it was from a very safe place, so I wasn’t afraid to feel the pain. I cried a lot over the past two mornings, and each of those mornings I spent hours talking to God, envisioning him as my therapist (after all, I have been watching In Treatment. I also had a dream that I was lying in bed naked with Gabriel Byrne, but that’s probably a topic for another post… in fact, I know it is). I talked through my most imminent painful thoughts and while I didn’t come to many conclusions, it was helpful simply to speak them out and feel that someone was listening. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but not too many people know how to listen. No big revelation there, right? Well, if we open ourselves up to ourselves, and create an unconstricted channel inside, we ourselves become cosmic va-jay-jays and experience the most intense intimacy with God, our very Source of life–of joy, of wisdom, of everything, everything. When that happens, we remember that we don’t need other people, at least not in the ways we thought we did. Then, we remember that we’re whole within ourselves and can give to others without expecting anything in return.
This morning, after those two hard days, I woke up in the light, with a lightened heart. I lay on the couch awhile and read, settled my mind into a contemplative space, and then got up to pray. I lit a smudge stick, in this case jasmine incense, and let the smoke waft over me as I knelt before God. With my arms and hands and voice I invoked his presence, and the presence of the angels, and all the holy spirits about and around me, including my ancestors who love God. I sang in tongues, beautiful notes to attract heaven to me, and I’m telling you, as I watched the smoke and the movements of my hands and cried with happiness at my homecoming, I saw, in my mind’s eye, spirits all around me, bending over me to lovingly caress me; the room was filled with them, the atmosphere replete with perfect love. Even now I know they’re still with me. I feel safe, safer than I have in a very long time, and I know they’ll be with me forever… that they have been with me, watching over me, even when I didn’t want to see them or acknowledge them, even when I wanted to be left alone. Here’s the trick, though it’s more of a treat: we can never be alone. It’s impossible. We can think we’re alone, so it becomes our personal reality, the world of a blind and deaf man, but it isn’t the truth. The truth is, we are all connected. We’re one being, you and I and everyone and everything, and what hurts one of us, hurts all of us. What blesses one of us, blesses everybody. I love that it’s like this.
So today I’ll be walking around, consciously, with a whole host of help. If only I could get one of them to make me a sandwich, we’d be in business… And with that, love to you all! Saturday I’ll be going to see Harry Potter, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend, too. Love, love! xo