The lady or the tiger

Secrets are evil because they hide knowledge, and the hiding of knowledge is always used to control people. Now is the time to eliminate the control of humans–time to bring all secrets out of the shadows and into the light (Barbara Hand Clow).

When I read the above passage this morning, I really resonated with it, as it’s the conclusion I reached after mulling over the post I’d written a couple days ago, informing you that I would be sharing only the margins of my life here and not the golden core. I would like to deeply apologize for that. It was my fear of being laughed at, of being measured and found wanting, that led me to make that decision, but it isn’t at the heart of me. The heart of me truly desires being exposed, so it – so I – can be fully known, and so I can fully know. If we share only the pretty parts of ourselves with each other, or the conventionally acceptable parts, in my case, then we’re missing out on the profounder lessons we can gain from wholesale intimacy. Intimacy is hard for me, much as I long for it. I really am afraid of being mocked and/or abandoned, because I’m not yet fully living in the truth that we’re all One, and honestly, most of us aren’t living that truth. My fear of being mocked and/or abandoned is a real one on the surface level, but not at the base, where there’s no separation between us.

Okay, this is hilarious… but suddenly I’m remembering that way back when, years ago when the church I was attending was studying the Body of Christ and we were all wondering which part of the Body we were: the eyes, the hands, the ears, you know, which awesome part?… it came to me in prayer that I was the vagina of Christ. I laughed then and I’m laughing now, because it’s absolutely freaking TRUE. And I embrace that. After all, who wouldn’t want to embrace a vagina? I mean, really? Somebody we love has one, even if it’s only ourselves. I’m glad I remembered that.

Yet, for some people, including me, it’s difficult to feel comfortable with laying our private parts open for the world’s perusal. A couple weeks ago, when a group of us went to see the latest Harry Potter, we were standing in line next to a young couple with whom we chit-chatted now and again. They were really sweet and engaging, and at one point, when everyone else was talking, I happened to glance over and notice the young man looking at me, and his face was glowing, literally effused, with pure unfiltered love. Not sexual attraction, but honest human love. D0 you know how I reacted, this vagina of Christ? I immediately looked away, stony-faced, and that must have felt like a blow to him, to this person who was only offering me love. The second I did it I was overwhelmed with regret, but the moment was over and I couldn’t get it back, at least not that time. I’ll have another chance. It was a shock to discover that my self-consciousness is still so ingrained that it dictated an immediate knee-jerk response, one that was in direct opposition to everything I’ve been thinking (and preaching, to be honest) lately. But I’m winnowing in on it, and am determined to fill in the emptiness with so much love that self-consciousness will no longer be my reality. Unity is all that matters. Love is all that matters. Unity and love are the same thing. And God sends us angels like that young man to remind us of that fact.

So anyway, I’m going to tell you about something really cool that happened to me during my prayer time two mornings ago. After lighting the incense and dancing and singing to God, the angels, my guides, and my ancestors, I knelt on the ground in the child position (yoga), for what I thought would be only a few moments before I went into divination position to ask for guidance, but instead of moving out of it, I felt as if I were sinking further into it, becoming grounded in it. And then, as I prayed, I felt as if a turtle shell were growing over my back. The sensation increased as I knelt in prayer, and it came to me that I had either  become, or was intrinsically, a ‘turtle woman.’ As I eventually rose from the position, and was thanking God with my arms upraised, I had the vision of a wise turtle face directly in front of me. After excitedly interacting with God about it, I felt him tell me to look up the term ‘turtle woman’ online and that I would be encouraged by what I found. When I did, I came across an awesome written prophecy, but even more wonderful than that, I found a video (which you can watch here, if you like) that knocked my socks off. It was by an organization called “Turtle Women Rising,” which had met this September in Washington, D.C. to pray for global peace. I sobbed like a baby as I watched the images and let the singing infuse my soul, and was indeed encouraged by the knowledge that I had been called to join these powerful women in prayer for the world. My prayer times have, lately, become mostly intercession for comprehensive peace and unity, rather than solely for myself, so everything felt perfectly ordered and right. I’m so excited. On December 15, there’s going to be a gathering of another group that makes its home in Eagle Creek, not far from where I live, and my friend Linda and my son Jesse are going to come with me. It’s the graduation of several shamans who have recently finished their training, and who are going to offer a sound healing – through singing, rattles, and drums – to all the people who congregate to celebrate with them. I’m so looking forward to being there.

Do you know the best thing about not having secrets? When you face your shadows, and live out in the light, nothing and nobody can hurt you. You face the worst and instead of being destroyed by it, you discover that it’s only a mewling kitten, and you’re a tiger. But you’re a tiger who uses your velvety paws to gently draw people in to the warmth of your furry breast (stay with me here), not viciously slash them to ribbons. We don’t have to kill when we know there’s nothing to be afraid of. Peace to you all today! Love love and more love. xo

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10 Comments

Filed under God, Love, Old women, Power animals

10 responses to “The lady or the tiger

  1. Wow. That is bizarre. But kinda cool.

    I haven’t been around much. Sorry. I still think of you, friend. xoxo

  2. Totally bizarre! But also, totally cool. :)

    Talena, there is NO need to apologize for not coming around much. I barely get to anyone else’s blog these days. So different from the “blog days” of yore, when I lived and breathed them. But I’m very glad you still think of me. That makes me happy! I think of you, too. xo

  3. twila

    Oh Kells, that is so wonderful and amazing. And not surprising at all. And I’m so glad you decided to keep on sharing. It is incredibly encouraging to me to hear your tales. Turtle woman. Yes. Yes.

  4. Twi, I KNEW you’d get it! tee hee. I’m delighted that you want to hear all the juiciest stuff, because it’s the stuff I love to swim in most. Spirit pool parties are the BEST. :)

  5. Jenn

    Kelly, thank you for this!

  6. Lorraine

    Lovely. So lovely to see your heart here.

  7. Turtle Women! That’s awesome :)

    Also I think it is very difficult to accept strong feelings from anyone. It somehow leaves us open when someone is so positive towards us, or at least thats how I feel.

    • That’s true, Fence! It’s hard to be open, especially when you’re not geared up for it. I think we’ve usually got our protective walls up against negativity, because that’s what we expect, and it’s a shock to the system when our walls melt under someone’s love or affection for us. Especially a stranger’s! However, I am now lucky enough to be sporting a turtle shell. :D

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