hoe-down at jones’s barn

Good morning, friends. this morning i’m trying something new by not using capitals, because for some reason, capitals slow down my thoughts. for awhile now i’ve found myself increasingly discontented with my approach to the blog, but have been unwilling to lay it down because i really love it, really do consider it an extra room in my house. it’s the room where i explore and express the stuff i’m thinking about. my intention, my entire intention, is to be straight up with whomever comes here to see what i have to say, for whatever reason they have for coming. maybe they’re curious about me, maybe they care about me, maybe they have their daily round of blogs to check, maybe they stumbled here by accident, but i realize now that nobody is here to be taught anything. this morning i counted on my fingers my regular readers, and came up with seven that i know of, and i only know these because they’ve left me comments. among these seven, as far as i can tell, not one shares my particular belief system, nor do they intend to, because they’re comfortable with their own belief systems. that’s perfectly fine, but i believe this realization changes the way i see my blog, and must change the way I communicate with my readers. my tendency is to be a teacherly sort of person, but i’m going to lay that down and instead simply be myself, whatever that ends up looking like (and i’m sure it will end up teacherly sometimes, but it won’t be intentional). this isn’t scary because i like who i am and don’t really care too much anymore if anyone else does. i figure, if you’re here, then you kinda sorta like me too. but it is a little challenging, mostly because it necessitates finding a fresh perspective instead of falling back on the same-old patterns. since the patterns were no longer working, however, i think the fresh-approach idea will be fun for me. i hope it’s fun for you, but honestly, you’re your own person and don’t need me to take care of you.

this reminds me of a snippet of a dream. in it, i was in a coffee shop with a whole bunch of other people during some kind of outside upheaval, which is why we were all together in the shop. someone was passing around pieces of cake and i was afraid i wasn’t going to get one, so my inclination was to jump up and offer to help the person who was cutting the cake. what would have looked like a selfless act was in reality a way to protect myself from not getting what i wanted, being left out, whatever, fill-in-the-blank. To my internal credit, and delight, in the dream i recognized my motivation and stopped myself from offering to help, and triumphantly moved into the next phase of the dream.

i guess in a way that’s what i’m doing now. in the cosmic passing of the cake, i’m no longer worried that i won’t get a piece, so i don’t have to be one of the passers-out. everybody gets cake! that’s the way it works. there are people i’m responsible for teaching on a regular basis, and others who pop into my life with whom i can spontaneously share my lessons, but i’m seeing that this isn’t the forum for that. seeing this is a great relief for me because it’s going to free my mind to flow where it will, without worrying about how i’m coming across. you know, i was just going to write that personal blogging is all a heaping bowl of self-indulgence anyway, but my spirit stopped me from mocking it like that. it’s not self-indulgence to write in your blog… no. what it is is self-disclosure, an opportunity for someone to read what you have to say and feel that they can relate, that they’re not alone. we all have ideas that cross our upbringing and most people tamp them down because to express them opens us up to ridicule. good grief, i almost did it myself, by saying that it’s self-indulgent to talk about yourself. people try to think like other people so they won’t find themselves alone, because to be without anyone is the most terrifying thing of all. right now, if i didn’t share life with the three in-the-flesh people who can track with me, i would feel very lonely. though far less lonely than i would have been before i became aware of my guides, who are very real presences to me, and who help me immeasurably every single day.

thank you, my Higher Self, Jesus, the archangels, Hazael, Mara, younger Mara, Mother Mary, St. Christopher, Gordon, and Stuart. these are my spirit guides and i am eternally grateful to them. this is a fruitful period for me regarding getting to know my heavenly help and recognizing their voices. mostly they come to me in dreams, though my higher self, Jesus, and Hazael speak to me internally on a regular basis. i would be lost and confused and hopeless without them. which reminds me… you know how some people sneer about religion being a crutch? um, yeeeah. it is. duh. we’re all crippled and we need some support. mr. theoretical sneerer? i don’t make fun of you for needing your cigarettes, booze, pot, movies, harlequin romances, sex, fast cars, stamp collections, rotary club, or myriad other escapes, so don’t make fun of me for needing my spiritual support system, m’kay? it’s only just.

hey, so you know, i think you guys are awesome. again, and again, and yet again, i really appreciate you being here, especially because you don’t have to be. really. that means the world to me.

also, i felt compelled to post a bunch of my old poems and song lyrics on a site i’m calling Stir the Sky. if you’re curious, you can see it here, and if you’re interested, check back every so often because i’m still adding to it. all of them (so far) were written at least six to seven years ago, and since some of my beliefs have shifted, i reworked a few that didn’t reflect what i think now. i was astounded and a little appalled to reread them and realize how often in the ensuing years i’ve repeated the same behaviors that generated them! we really do go around old jonesie’s barn until we’ve learned our lesson. i hope in the next life i can move onto something new. also, speaking of something new, i’ve found myself singing a lot again, and have recently asked the archangel Uriel to help me finally learn how to play the guitar. hopefully i’ll have some new songs to add to the site someday and maybe even sing in the local coffee shop. love you guys.


Filed under Been here before, Beloveds, Dreamy dreams, God, Guides, Love, Mystics

14 responses to “hoe-down at jones’s barn

  1. karen

    I have tried, and tried, and tried to lose the capitals. Cuz it is WAY faster! But you know what happens? I get halfway through my email, or post, or whatever and my anal self goes back and fixes it all. LOL. Kudos to you Kels!

    • hee! Hello, karedy tot! It’s funny, but I kind of did the same thing in my post, but only a couple times. It doesn’t matter, does it? We can cap sometimes, and other times not. We is der captains of our own ships! Wheee! And some of us luckier ones have mutineers as ancestors. :)

  2. That is so funny about the caps! I went for about 3 or 4 years without using caps. I primarily use them now just like I use face powder…just being neighborly! :) But I still sign my name in small case. When I use capitals in my name, it looks weird to me. Plus, I somehow automatically find it looks harsh and proud. Weird, huh?

    • I know… it’s harder to read, idn’ it? buggers. STILL, I just want to go capitaless for awhile and see. even now, i feel the need to switch over. what’s really weird is that i can’t stand to capitalize the pronoun ‘i’ anymore!! wow, now there’s a real switch. i fully understand how you feel about capitalizing your name!

      by the way, i loved your analogy about the face powder. is that an analogy? i never know. but i liked it.

  3. Ooh, I forgot to say thank you so much for posting the poetry. I immediately put it in my favorites to return to and enjoy. Yea!!!

    • thank you, love bug! i know it’s not going to be must-reading for anyone, but i’m grateful to whomever takes a gander, as it represents a specific period of time in my life, and is still meaningful to where i find myself now. i just figured it was time to release all that writing to the ether, probably because i have a new story simmering in my mind to write. i’m so excited… i might post about this sometime… but i really did think a little while ago that this latter half of my life would be very quiet, and who knows, it still may be, but suddenly i’m feeling flooded with ideas for new projects! i never EVER expected that, and don’t roll your eyes :), but i attribute it to asking for help from the archangels. yuh-huh, i do! :D

      anyway, i’m happy you commented so i could yack your ear off for a minute. friends are nice. kiss xoxo

  4. Rod

    I still have a copy of stir the sky printed out and i run across it from time to time and sit and read it. you are who are you are and i will always love you, we all need to have different ideas or it could end up pretty boring.

    • Rod, that’s so awesome, and it makes my day to hear you say that. When I was looking through my folder of poems, I found one of those little handmade versions I made for friends, all those years ago! You’ll see some revisions, and some of the poems were just too outside what I’ve come to believe to be included, and I’ve added several others to the site, BUT, anyway, thank you… I can’t believe you still have yours OR that you still read it. Wow. :)

      I totally agree with the boringness of sameness! UGH. xo

  5. Peter Trainor

    HI Kelly, thanks for the blog today. For a sescond I thought you were going to take a rest from it and I thought ‘oh no…sigh’ . but then you didn’t so ‘…unsigh’. Havn’t read the poems yet and look forward to it. As for capitals…yeah , I guess I’m a corrector…always looking over my shoulder and trying not to leave tracks for the posse….which of course there isn’t…Was reading the blog about ficton as well…I havn’t read a lot lately (if you exclude bed-time stories for my children when I usually read three a night). am reading books by a guy called Terry Prachett…osrt of light fantasy/comedy/satire…not very high brow, but they keep my brain ticking over. My mentor gave me a book on prayer by an academic guy with a wierd name…unfortuneately its like trying to eat a very heavy fruit cake…the guy obviously has never heard of headings and tries not to over-useparagraphs…and chapters that don’t last more than ten pages! I am rambling now…anyway thanks for the blog, whaterver shape it takes its always good to read..

    • Aw Peter, I’m glad you had an “oh no” moment when you thought I might not be writing anymore… that makes me feel good. :) I remember trying Terry Pratchett way back when, when I was on a science fiction kick, reading lots of Asimov and Piers Anthony and Ray Bradbury. I’m always attracted to his books because they’re so huge and there are so many of them, both attributes that are very attractive to me! Maybe I’ll try them again sometime. The Brennan books are my lowbrow indulgences for now. I wish you’d told me the name of the book on prayer! Now I’m curious. Hopefully you’ll check back and let me know. Don’t make me use my mind powers on you! *using mind powers* >.<

  6. “There’s a closet in my mind. In that closet is a box. Before I can think clearly enough to write, I have to dismantle myself and pack myself away in that box. It often takes some real strategy and patience to get all of my parts into the box, which is not very large, but I always manage to get myself in. Then, with me out of the way, I am able to see other things. If I try to write without doing this, I end up writing things about me only and for me only.” I read this this morning and thought of you. Don’t know why. Nice, huh? A. Scott White. He is a genius.

    • That was BRILLIANT. Seriously amazing, both in imagery (of course; it’s Scott) as well as in concept. Wow. I’m going to remember that. Thank you so much for sharing it with me, Twi, and I’m so pleased that you thought of me when you read it. :)

  7. Peter Trainor

    Hi Kelly, the book is called Prayer by Hans Urs von Balthasar (translated by Graham Harrrison) and printed by Ignatius press. I’m not sure I recommend it though …I found it difficult to read never mind understand..check it out on Amazon. Have a good day!

    • Oh, excellent! I looked up the book on Amazon and read a couple pages. I think that if the subject matter is something a person is interested in, it’s probably a really good book, but I have a hard time these days with any piece of writing that springs from the idea that the Bible is the authoritative word of God. You know, approaching every argument from the standpoint of “well, the Bible says….” I have a problem with that personally; it’s fine with me if anyone else does it! That’s what would make the book hard-going for me. But it was fun to check it out anyway! Thank you for giving me the title. You have a good day, too! :)

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