Hey guys. I’m finding myself very glum this morning, and actually, have been since yesterday, when I woke up restless and cranky, completely unable to settle down. In fact, at one point Sunday afternoon, when Scott was watching Lonesome Dove, I found myself pacing like a jaguar, throwing myself on the couch and bounding up within minutes to pace some more. I didn’t need anything at the store, so shopping wasn’t an answer, and it probably would have been good for me to go for a walk, but I ignored that silent suggestion. Today I feel very much the same. Scott’s sick with a cold and I think that might have something to do with all this weird energy. It’s interesting… whenever I watch shows on the paranormal I’m always shouting at the TV people to ask their angels and guides for help, or for them to envision themselves and their homes filled with and covered over by white light – all the necessary protections I’ve learned over the last several months – but I don’t know… doing that myself the past two days hasn’t settled me down. Which makes me think that it’s possible that I’m once again going through a transition, and that these feelings are a natural byproduct of that. I’ve been going through so many changes lately, you’d think I’d be used to the process by now.
You know, part of it may be that Scott is home… This is nothing, really, to do with him, but I’m so used to having the house to myself, my energy to myself, that sharing space with someone else during the weekend is difficult for me. I remember when my kids lived at home, how I would sequester myself away in the bedroom for time to myself, but nowadays my most sacred place is the living room; it’s where I do all my spirit stuff; so to have it ‘invaded’ by someone else’s energy feels like an imposition! That’s totally unfair to Scott, whose home this also is, but I think that’s it. I keep thinking to myself, “I can’t wait for tomorrow… to get out the guitar… to pull out the story idea I want to work on… to go through a past-lives regression meditation… to dance, to pray, to wander around singing.” It would be optimal if I could do all these things around Scott, but, I can’t. It’s not even because the television is in the living room and when he’s awake and home he’s watching something, because I feel this way even when he’s asleep in bed. Argh, I feel something building and building and building and it’s making me crazy. I really do need some kind of break… probably a walk outside. I’ll try that anyway, and then let you know if it worked. :)
A couple items of bidness before I forget: As you can see, I’ve gone back to regular old capitalized writing because the other was much harder to read. I tried keeping my personal pronoun uncapitalized, but that seemed to draw even more attention to it! So, everything’s back to how it was… for now, anyway. Also, I cleaned up my links, so if you’re missing one or however-many of your favorites, let me know and I’ll provide the link for you, since I still have it on my account. If I’ve linked to you, you may have noticed that I’m now using your blog title instead of your name because it looked kind of odd to me to have, for example, “Rod” next to “Shamanic Living.”
Okay, this is AWESOME, another terrific wonder of wonders. Right after I wrote the above, the phone rang… heh. I love wonders. It was Jess, who wanted to tell me something cool that had happened to him this morning during his meditation time. Let me back up and say, though I’ve said it before, that my 23-year-old son Jess is definitely my closest spiritual buddy at this time. I pass on to him my best books and knowledge and he takes it ALL and runs a million miles with it, further and faster than I could ever go myself, and it’s always so inspiring to discuss what we’ve learned with each other. The thing that happened to him this morning was amazing. Anyway, I told him how I’d been feeling the past two days, just like I told you, and then felt compelled to ask for his advice. Um, I’m a little ashamed to say that I rarely, if ever, ask for his advice. I’m his mom and am used to the reversed role, so for me to ask him was definitely a nudge from the spirit. Here’s what he told me, in my words because I have a terrible memory for details.
He said that he believes my restlessness has to do with the fact that I’ve absorbed all that I’m supposed to at this time and that I just can’t take in any more. He said to stop reading new information, and that it would benefit me to go back to the beginning, back to the message of The Power of Now, back to being absolutely present and at rest, and that that’s where I would find peace and answers regarding my next phase. He told me also that it’s time to go out with my gifts and to stop keeping them to myself. He said I’ve got enough resources now that I can venture out and meet like-minded people with whom I can share common experiences, through workshops and lectures and events, and not feel so alone anymore. He said that meeting people who are interested in the same things I am is going to open new doors and provide opportunities for me that will be very satisfying.
Holy smoke. The things that he told me are exactly the messages I’ve been getting, over and over, in my own prayers, meditations, tarot readings, and intuitions, but have been ignoring due to both fear and a bent toward workaholism. The fear is of stepping out and meeting people, fear of driving very far from home, in high-traffic areas, especially at night, fear of my own worth or giftedness, fear of success and failure. The workaholism part is all about making even the fun things I love doing into work! If I find a topic interesting, I begin straining and pushing myself into more study, more practice, in a rush to do what takes sometimes years and years to develop. I’ve completely lost my focus as a result, and Jess was so, stinkin, absolutely, on the money. Being NOW, being present, letting everything go except for the moment in which I find myself, is the place of ultimate rest. Whenever I’ve asked my guides for help, they’ve told me, “Rest.” I thought I was resting, but I wasn’t… I might have been sitting on the couch, but I was working my ass off.
I’m SO encouraged, and I love that all this happened in the middle of a post so I could share it with you. I feel about a gerzillion times better now. Wow. Thanks for being here for my process. Love. xo