I get a nice little reprieve today! I was going to head over to my mom’s to do some daughter stuff – you know, as opposed to the hired help stuff I do the rest of the week – but she called this morning and said she just feels like lounging instead of working in the garage, and I was all, like, “YEAH.” So we agreed to sip a cup of tea and think of each other, in our respective homes, on our respective couches, in front of our respective ambient fires. (I got her one a couple weeks ago. She loves it. :) I just changed out of my jeans back into my jammies. Oh glory.
Besides, today is Van’s birthday and there’s dinner and dessert to make – I’m leaning toward warm homemade tapioca pudding, don’t laugh – so I’ll be over there later anyway. Van will be 26 years old, the little lumpkin. I love him and am so happy I get to share life with him, and be his mom.
How are you all, this rainy gray Saturday? I’m feeling quiet, but it’s a contented quiet, not a depressed quiet. Jesse’s girlfriend Amber will be here in a few hours and is going to spend the night, which will be wonderful because I love her and consider her a friend, and she’s definitely a fellow empath so we have interesting conversations, but you know, the same old thing: people, no matter how terrific they are, exert my little energy bugs and I tire so easily. I think all I really need to do is make sure my shields are up. Not against her, or anyone else, but to keep my own energy contained, where I need it.
I have to say, however, that now I welcome the fact that in a couple hours my life will be filled with people. On someone’s recommendation I watched the movie Buried, against my inclination waving its arms and screaming for me not to, and I’m really sorry I did. Then, in an attempt to chase it with something more positive, I watched an episode of Reno 911!. Yeeeah, I like the show, but it’s what you might call “low vibration.” sigh. I need a genuine pick-me-up, something solid, something that will truly lift my spirit. Until the kids get here, I think I’ll listen to some Kelvin Mockingbird on Pandora.
As you know, I’ve been working to hone my psychic abilities and it’s been an amazing experience. During the past-life regression I mentioned briefly a few days ago, I saw that in a life before I’d had a very large white Husky-type dog, with a fluffy winter coat, as a spirit companion. Well, I was lying on the couch yesterday, trying to read, but was unable to get past one particular paragraph because I just couldn’t focus. I felt compelled to put the book down and close my eyes. When I did, I began to fall into a trance state – very deep meditation, almost sleep but not quite – and while in it I suddenly felt something very large happening in the spirit. It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s as if something invisible began to blossom and grow in size and intensity and then zoom straight toward me. When this would happen to me before, in my church days, I always panicked and shut it down. I think I may have shared this before, but one time in particular, during an intense prayer time with a lot of people, I looked down at the ground and saw the floor open up to reveal a beautiful tabernacle, like Solomon’s temple, below. But it freaked me out so much I immediately rebuked it in Jesus’ name! I was so filled with regret the second after it happened that I determined never to shy away from another experience, but it’s taken me this long to get back to a place of openness, to where I could even make myself available to see something spiritish.
Anyway, there I was lying on the couch, when this huge whoosh in the spirit happened, and I suddenly heard a young woman’s voice – like, an audible voice, only for my ears – say “No!” I have no idea why she said no, who she was addressing, or even who she was, but it was incredible to me that I heard her. I went back to another trance – this was all happening very naturally, with no effort at all – and another whoosh happened and I heard a soft pad pad pad on the carpet next to me, like the sound my cat makes when he walks in the living room. But I opened my eyes to see that Horatio was nowhere around, and felt instead that it was the spirit of the huge white dog sitting on the floor next to the couch, where I was. I didn’t see him, but I heard him come in. In my past life, he was my only friend, and once again I felt very safe with him beside me.
I floated in gratitude all day – and still feel it – that I’d been given another opportunity after all these years. I had prayed for so long after the Solomon’s Temple experience that God would let me have another shot, because I so bitterly regretted missing that one. And this time I’m not shying away. I felt the whooshes and leaned into them. I’m finally ready and you know what? It feels like coming home. It really does.
I’ve been connecting so many dots lately. Since I can remember, cards have fascinated me. I taught myself to shuffle when I was a tiny little girl, was constantly offering to teach other people how to, and spent hours playing solitaire if I couldn’t rope someone into playing a game with me. It’s no surprise to me that I love tarot because I believe I’ve done it before. While watching the DVD in The Goddess Trilogy called The Burning, I found myself sobbing in great distress when the narrator began to describe the torture that the women accused of witchcraft had been subjected to; it was almost too much for me to hear. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to find out that I had been one of those women, or was somehow connected to that time. I hope I wasn’t one of the accusers, or worse, a judge or executioner, but if I was it’s obvious from my feelings that I’ve fully repented for it. Entire villages were wiped out… it was all about money and power and the acquisition of land (what a shock?)… it was a truly horrific and shameful piece of history, and I think I was there. Page after page turning, layer after layer revealed, memories are unpeeling from my innermost being and I’m in a state of wonder almost all the time now. Sometimes I get down, but all it takes is a little hop into the spirit to get me hopeful again. I’m so grateful. And I’d better wrap Van’s present because the kids will be here soon. Love to you all! I hope you have a great weekend. xo