Now I remember

How quickly our peace can be shattered, and how easy it is to assign that shattering to things outside of ourselves… After a couple of days of relative peace, I began to feel myself descending into sorrow and bitterness again. Yesterday was awful; this morning when I woke, still awful, and I knew something had to change and quickly, or I was going to fall into a very black well of despair. I was already sitting on the edge of it with both legs swinging. Sometimes the answer to our cry for help comes immediately, but most of the time that isn’t the case, and we have to wait for the answer, wend our way slowly toward it until we fall in its lap.

This morning I made my coffee and sat on the couch to stew… only, not really to stew, because I sincerely desired a way through to the other side of what I was feeling, which was bad. I’ve been reading and thinking about codependency lately and am learning a lot about myself that, until now, has been dark to me, or was something I’d known but squirreled away for later, when I’d be better able to deal with it. Since later had become Now, and wonderful resources and situations had come my way to enlighten me, I was taking full advantage and stuffing my head with loads of information. Books about between lives and past lives, past-life regression, soul clusters and soul mates, codependent thought and behavior, guides, angels… all of which are amazing and wondrous… were sweeping my mind into realms I’d imagined but never thought could be addressed so satisfyingly. Along the way, however, I got off track, and away from the central message – my central message anyway – which is:

I am my higher, deeper self.

I had once again begun to identify with my mind, my thoughts, to live as though I believed Descarte’s famous but fundamentally incorrect declaration that I think, therefore I am. No. We are. We simply ARE. Our minds are here to support us as tools, but we – the essence that is separate from the ego – are set apart from them. We existed before our bodies, and we will exist after we leave our bodies. Our essence is the I in every statement such as “I can no longer live with myself.” When we realize this, really grasp it, we can fall back without fear into a feeling of oneness with God, the beginning and sustaining Source of us all, and as we rest quietly in that sea of tranquility and security, we can let all the external events hammering at us for entry hammer away unheeded.

Over the past while, whenever I complained about feeling overwhelmed or depressed, Jesse and Scott would tell me that I needed to lay down my books and go back to the beginning, but I was too busy and excited about all the juicy stuff I was learning to slow down. I invented little catch phrases such as “I’ve decided to read for inspiration, not information,” in attempts to appease them and myself. I ignored the significance of physical and truly magical manifestations of the difference between essence and ego, such as the two times I quite literally felt my spirit lift within my body, as if it were restrained from release only by the confines of my physical being. I had begun to see my higher, deeper self as separate from me, as if I were my ego and not my essence; had begun, blindly, to live out of that false identity again, and yesterday, I could feel it killing me.

“I can no longer live with myself” is a truth that has dogged me all my life, but I didn’t see it as a statement of hope because I couldn’t see any way out of it. If something good happened to me, I was happy. If something bad happened to me, I was sad. If I was in love, I was happy. When something went awry with that love, I was sad. If people paid attention to me, if I had this or that, if all my ducks were in a row and everything in place, I was happy. If something fell apart, I was sad. Did I succeed? Happy. Did I fail? Sad. My life has been a roller coaster of emotion, a dizzying vacillation between pleasure and pain, stuck within the shallow confines of my ego. And I’m talking about as recently as this morning, so it’s not like I’m on this “ha ha, I’m enlightened and you’re not” kick. Living from your essence, apart from your ego, is a skill that requires practice, and mindfulness, and intent, and sometimes we forget about it and then it requires people to remind us.

I feel peaceful now. As I sipped my coffee, I felt the urge to revisit the words of Eckhart Tolle, so I fetched his first book from the shelf. Turning its pages, slowly absorbing every familiar passage with new eyes, I began to feel my mind shift and loosen and then move out of the way as my spirit regained the reins. This person named Kelly is temporary, but I am eternal; the two of us are merged for awhile, and I really like who I am in this body, but I needn’t feel whipped around or trapped by the tyranny of my role here, or by my mind, which is constantly searching for things to define me. My higher, deeper self defies definition, except for this one simple fact: I am. And so are you. This is the peace that surpasses all understanding. I hope, if you’re struggling, that you can experience this peace today as well. Love to you all!

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12 Comments

Filed under Beloveds, God I'm depressed, Hope, Love, Stuff to read

12 responses to “Now I remember

  1. Nice. That is a good thing to remember – the “otherness” of who we really are. The ego is so good at making us feel that all we are is a bundle of likes and dislikes, emotions and thoughts. I like to think of it like the ocean. The tides come in and go out; the waves rise high and then fall back, but the ocean is unchanged and unchanging. It is more than the wave, more than each drop of water that makes it up. So are we. Thoughts and emotions come and go, like waves, but our essense is unaffected, deep and tranquil. Thanks for this, Kells.

    • Very nice description, Twi… I love thinking of it as the ocean, too; it’s my favorite imagery. Our essence is the ocean, the stuff of our ego all the little waves that come and go. That’s a lovely picture to hold on to. Love you, friend.

  2. Frokaloke

    What timing it is to read this—Paul and I were talking about many of the same things just this morning! He was not impressed with my thinking… but then called me back a few hours later to tell me that another of his friends had just called and said they were learning the same thing! How cool is that?! It seems there is a time for everything… And NOW is a good time… Peace to you my dearest Mess!

    • Froke, that’s AWESOME timing… and so encouraging to me because it shows that lots of people are beginning to wake up! Jesse and Amber and I were talking this morning about what’s happening now in the world and Jess said “It’s the Age of Awakening.” I absolutely loved that!! So I googled it and it seems that tons of people are calling it the same thing. Wow. I feel so happy to be on the earth at this time. We’ve got to talk – on the phone! :) Love you, dear friend.

  3. Frokaloke

    PS— hahahaha! I just saw my little avatar guy— where did you find such a perfect likeness of me?!

  4. Frokaloke

    The Age of Awakening! I love it! And true I believe— it is like a revolution coming in the hearts of humankind…. I am a dreamer, and I dream this…. How can I imagine a world that COULD NOT learn peace and kindness? I have to believe it can be …. silly me . . . and all us sillys….
    Yes—let’s do the phony thing! hehehehe

    • Isn’t it great? I definitely feel a revolution brewing, and as they say, it’s always darkest before the dawn… Much of the world is going through a pretty dark time now, and I hope and pray that the light will break forth in a big way soon. Sillies unite!, and open the way for peace and kindness to reign. So say we all.

      (Froky, I got your wonderful email and will respond as soon as I can! I love you.)

  5. Frokaloke

    Okay— so this is a QUESTION— where did you get the name “The 133 Crowd”? Likely I should know that, or maybe you explain elsewhere and I just missed all the excitement… but I wanna know, okay?!!! gotta run…

    • Waal, I did mention it in a little old post entitled “The 133 Crowd” (hee), as well as talked about it in my More About Me page, which I revamped, but I shall repeat it here for you, special, a-cause you’re special! I’m always looking for metaphysical books in the online library catalog and as a result, I read tons of reviews. Most of them veer from mild to enthusiastic, so I was very surprised and initially affronted to read a rather negative one that ended with something like, “It will surely appeal to the 133 crowd.” This took me aback because, for one, I didn’t think about how the metaphysical books are all in one section (it just never entered my mind as something to think about) and two, someone had actually assigned the people who frequent that section a moniker! The 133 Crowd! The more I thought about it, the more I loved it, and the idea just wouldn’t go away. It seemed to fit where I had headed with my blog, so there you go: the Reason. I’m thinking of also embroidering it on a pillow. :) Oh, and also, this is an important reason – it sounds very much like The IT Crowd, a British comedy series I absolutely love.

  6. Frokaloke

    Ohhh– I feel bad that I did not dig enough— Actually, I did try to find it mentioned in other places… but not on your blog. Silly me. Really!
    That is such an interesting title, even more now that I know why!
    Thank you for your kindness in humouring me…. I will try to behave more responsibly in the future.
    You are going to need a big place to hold all those pillows, oh Wise One! Then we’ll have a pillow fight, with lovely feathers flying everywhere!

    • You KNOW I was only teasing you, sweet thing. (Yes, you’d better behave more responsibly in future, honestly. I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.) And ha!! You made me laugh by saying I’m going to need a big place to hold all those pillows… I DO have about a million more lessons to learn. tee hee. But the cosmic pillow fight sounds awesomely fun. It’s a plan. :)

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