I am not a-mused

Hm, I kind of feel like writing a post today, maybe a light-hearted post after the heaviness of the last one. You know, there are times when I think I will never want to write again, never share anything of myself again, never this, never that, but then I’ll wake up one morning and feel that my spirit’s been re-inflated like a big old fat balloon. Like today, so hello, world.

I’ve been contemplating happiness lately–my own in particular, but also, in general. Some people are happy. I asked Jess and Van, my sons, what their personal percentage of happiness is, and they said respectively, 85% and 95%. A friend told me that she’s 95% happy all the time. This astounds me because I would calculate my happiness percentage to be around 25. That’s three-quarters unhappiness, people, in one form or another. Yet, my life this time around has been full of love, especially in these latter years. Why is there such a shadow cast over my life? Why has there always been, as long as I can remember? I can think of specific childhood incidences, as well as certain aspects of my upbringing, that contributed to it, but many, many people have gone through far worse things than I have – horrific, tragic, unimaginable experiences – and have managed to emerge on the sunny side of the street. I retain a certain brand of optimism, but you know, I am rarely satisfied with the real elements of happiness in front of me, and am always searching for that missing phantasmagoric something. In addition, possibly because I haven’t been exposed to, oh, growing up with drug-addicted parents, or wasn’t sold into the sex slave trade, or you know, whatever other mind-blowing things people do to each other, it seems I’ve felt the need to manufacture my own painful circumstances, just to have a furnace to burn in. What is that?

Okay, I wasn’t planning at all to go here, but it seems appropriate at this point. The “here” in this instance is reincarnation, which I realize the vast majority of my readers, being of the Judeo-Christian persuasion, cannot allow as a possibility, because they’ve been brought up to feel that way. That’s okay, I’m not getting on their case for that. Not at all. I understand because I used to feel the same way. All I ask is that for a moment they open their minds a tiny squidge, just a squidge, to what a comfort the idea can be to someone in pain–maybe to someone who was born deformed or mentally ill, or who has lost a baby, or whose grown child is in prison for murder…. It’s helped to explain so much of what I’ve struggled with, and continue to struggle with, and has offered answers to many of my questions. Even biblical questions… For example, from Matt 17:10-13, when Jesus was speaking of Elias coming back as John the Baptist. How could Elias, who had been long dead, be John the Baptist? Or the passage where the disciples asked Jesus if the man had been born blind because of his parents’ sin, or his own sin. How could it have been his own sin if he’d been born blind? Those passages have driven me crazy in the past, I’m not joking. But in light of reincarnation, they make perfect sense. Constantine and the Council of Nicaea had a religion to create, a real agenda, and reincarnation really messed with it because, well, it made null and void completely any fear of hell, or of only one chance for salvation… all of that. That agenda has caused so many people unnecessary pain, and I’m truly not angry when I say this, just sad.

Anyway, I’m not saying these things to open a debate or upset anyone or rock any boats; God knows I need to keep the friends I have now; I can’t afford to lose any more. If you don’t believe, that’s fine. I’m telling you this because I’m comforted. As in, huge sigh of relief, that this life is bigger – and I mean Holy Toledo BIGGER – than anything we can see here in this tiny slice of existence. So the shadow that’s cast over this life as Kelly? I believe it reaches way back to tragedies that happened to me long before I was born to my parents in 1964. I’ve seen some of those tragedies in my own meditative regressions, and yes, they would definitely factor into any sadness I continue to carry here.

So, other than going through a few professional healing sessions of past-life regression (I’m considering it), what can I do about all this pain I carry? That’s been my question of late; in fact, it’s been weighing very heavily on my mind. Last night, as I spent some time seeking guidance, I was able to see that because I feel dead, blind, and helpless to figure out what’s happening with me, I’m to lay down all my fruitless figuring and let the answers come as they may, in their own time, rising from my intuition and from messages outside of me. That’s very difficult to accept because I’m a consummate analyzer, and feel safe only when I’ve got all my “t”s crossed. But I know it’s necessary. It’s part of my process.

Over the past few days I’ve been singing Losing My Religion by REM. It’s not about losing your religion, by the way; it’s about obsession and unrequited love; and the first lines in particular have been incredibly significant to me. They go:

Oh, life is bigger,

It’s bigger than you

And you are not me

Yes. Love to you all this weekend! xo

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7 Comments

Filed under Been here before, Beloveds, God, Hope

7 responses to “I am not a-mused

  1. Frokaloke

    A quick note— so you can see I read this! But I am not able to give enough time for an adequate response… so (tongue sticking out at you!) you’re going to have to wait… I’ll just bottle up my words for a bit, and loose them on you later my dear! In the mean time…. love right back at ya!

  2. All change!

    At first I thought I was at the wrong address with that new header & title, but then I remembered I’ve been bold and not visiting. Bold me! (bold in the Irish sense, not the bravery sense)

    Just popping in to say hi! Hey-do :)

  3. Rod

    I became convinced years ago that there are questions that we may never know the answers to. That is ok because I am here now and choosing to live in the now. Although once in a while I do give into the questions and wonder why at times my life seems to totally suck or I am depressed for no particular reason. Thanks for thinking and continuing to grow. The picture in this post is from a comic book of the Phoenix force manifest itself through Jean Grey.

  4. Elijah/John the Baptist was reincarnated so it must be possible~ he said he wasn’t Elijah, but Jesus said, “Yuh-huh, he is” and who you gonna believe, Jesus or some reincarnated freak? :D

    As for the unhappy thing, it’s all about where you’re putting your mind~ the good stuff going on or the bad stuff going on. There’s always BOTH going on, but the more you focus on one, the more it comes prancing through the door, so it behooves your sanity to focus on the good stuff.
    Also, there’s that self-love/acceptance/approval/forgiveness thing. It’s gotta be right up there with hot rocks. Really, you need it just as much as you need love for others, because without self-love (say it with me!) you can’t love anyone else, really! Not for real. Gotta spread the love to you, too, Boo!
    (And it’s easier to have a little faith, trust and NICE expectations about what God is gonna Do Next, when you’re feeling good about yourself and your life. Ohh, trust me!)

  5. Harlequin

    Hey babe, just noticed you’ve not been blogging for a while – what happened, did you temporarily lose interest or internet? :-) Hope to see you emblogginate soon, even just to wave before disappearing into the ether again! xxx

  6. Christine

    I’m with Harlequin~ how come I suddenly can’t find you on Facebook?

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