Some days are better than others and today is kind of a stinker. I’ve been wandering around in funk since yesterday, unsure of what to do with my life, what my purpose is, those types of human questions. I’ve worn lots of hats over the years and finding myself hatless now makes me feel too bare and vulnerable and open to bad weather. It’s weird not having some sort of identity, a “this is what I am” answer to give the world when it asks. Not that it asks that often… no, I’m the one asking myself, like a little Hitler sometimes, angry German accent and spittle and all.
It’s a challenge to choose happiness on days like this, though I’m trying. I lay down to take a depression nap earlier and was pleased to find that I could actually talk myself into getting back up and out into the light of day. I did the dishes and other sundry folderal. I went through the bottom cupboards and cleaned out ALL the tupperware but four pieces–they filled a huge box and I’m not even joking. Ridiculous. Even a family of fourteen doesn’t need that much tupperware, and currently there are only three of us here.
I did an art journal entry I’m really happy with this morning, though. In fact, I was massively inspired yesterday when I watched the movie Seraphine, about a nineteenth century French artist, who of course was mad because that’s what all those guys were. Seriously, what’s with that? Kay Redfield Jamison wrote a book about how most artists are certifiably nuts and why, but I don’t know… I don’t buy it, or at least, don’t think it HAS to be that way. However, I digress. What I was getting at was that I’m thinking of breaking out a larger canvas than my book-sized journal to do something for the living room. Amber wants me to do something for their new apartment. Between her commission and my own, I should stay satisfied for awhile.
I have stuff to do… just not the energetic wherewithal to do it.
Being a human bean is hard.
One thing that did super encourage me the other day was this video my friend Linda sent me. I’ve been reading book after book (after book) on reincarnation and the afterlife and between-lives regression etc. because that sort of stuff absolutely fascinates me no end. I find it immensely comforting to think that we get more than one chance to ‘get it right’–or, not even get it ‘right,’ but simply go through an infinite number of growth experiences, circumstances that dilate us, broaden our minds and hearts, our souls. It helps me love God even more when I can see that we’re talking about a truly loving God here, not one who makes us jump through hoops to get to heaven.
I showed the video to Scott, who in turn made Jesse and Amber watch it. It was great to see all their eyes widen and hear their “No WAY”s and “Oh my GOD”s because, I’m telling you, it’s pretty amazing. Maybe you’ll like it too, or maybe it won’t mean anything to you, and that’s perfectly okay. We’re all awesome whatever we believe. Love! xo