Good morning, friends. It’s another very early morning–I’ve fed Horatio, had my giant cup of coffee, and have read a little, all the while mulling over in the back of my mind what I want to write about here. Tch, I still don’t really have a clue, but I’m launching in anyway.
That is, I know WHAT I want to say, just not how I want to say it.
What I want to say is… I feel peaceful now, after an extremely difficult past month or so. I was so down, so confused, so frustrated, so angry, so so so, really struggling with life issues. At least this time, during the struggle, instead of my typical descent into hopelessness, I understood its purpose. Here’s the cycle:
1-I realize that something is no longer working in my life
2-I fall into depression because I don’t know how to change it
3-After some time, I suddenly receive inspiration as to how to make the change
4-I implement the idea and the change is made
That number two phase is a doozy but I’ve come to see that it’s actually the most nourishing time in my life. It’s when I most remember my dreams, feel the deepest connection to spirit, experience small supernatural events that encourage me; it’s when my subconscious kicks in to reorganize my beliefs because my conscious mind can’t deal. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks, but eventually inspiration swoops in to draw my heart up into the fresh, open air again. Lots of little serendipities conspire to bring this about.
This time, I was helped along by a wonderful exchange with Christine in my comments section. It had been so long since I’d had a conversation like that with someone on my favorite subject, spiritual/philosophical growth. Explaining my thoughts to another person helped me solidify what I currently believe; it served as an anchor because I’d been feeling at sea, adrift and lost.
The day after our exchange I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of well-being. Love just washed over me, out of nowhere, completely unexpected, and on top of that the room and the outside patio, which I could see through the glass doors, filled with a warm golden light. I was struck agog, suspended and breathless in that timeless moment, and then, in the depths of my spirit, I heard: “You’re not alone. You never were. I’m with you now.” The message was so strong, so clear, that I burst into tears.
I carried that feeling of overwhelming love through the rest of the day and went to bed with it. But phase two still wasn’t complete. The next afternoon, I hit the skids again, sobbing for help from the unseen world, and half an hour later received an email from my friend Froka, which struck all the right chords and lifted me up once again. I wrote back expressing my pain (which I haven’t done with anyone in ages) and she responded with even more love. I was blown away.
I’m giving you all this detail because sometimes it’s the process we miss in our quest for the goal, and I want to emphasize that the process is EVERYTHING, really… especially since our goals don’t last. We achieve them, but the moment we do they start to fade and the cycle begins again.
I had received the inspiration I needed to climb out of my phase two darkness, and this is what I learned about myself:
Over the last couple years, because my heart had been crushed and I’d lost my trust in people, I had begun to focus on the negative traits, the offenses and omissions in my loved ones, instead of what was positive and beautiful about them. Nobody’s perfect, everyone has flaws, and my latching onto their imperfections widened the schisms between us, leaving me feeling lonelier and more bitter by the day. This person is always late or cancels at the last minute? Pah, who needs her? This one talks about herself incessantly. Grr, next. I can’t go deep with this other one, so what’s the point? Moving right along. Besides turning a blind eye to their strengths, I completely bypassed the fact that they all loved me and wanted to be in my life.
Whatever we believe tends to perpetuate more of itself, snowballing into an avalanche of either optimism or pessimism. I didn’t like that I’d become such a sour person. That didn’t feel like me.
So now I’m on my way back up, having chosen to heed my subconscious and change my perspective. It took me awhile–the change had to come from within to truly take hold, and so far phase four feels pretty darn good. I’m eager to see what life brings while I’m in it! Love to you all.