Fall into the light

5-11-2013 1_36_48 PM 5

may 23, 2013 – early morning, from my journal:

i feel an almost constant compulsion to write… to actualize myself by recording my thoughts. this is one reason i want to begin a book of shadows. it’s not so much to record rituals and supernatural ephemera as a way of explaining or keeping my personal magic, as it’s used in the traditional sense, though it will be some of that–but more to explain and keep myself. it will be a life record i can handle and riffle, touching hand and fingers to paper, suspending or expanding thought as i wish. i can add this and that, a line from a poem, a sketch, dream fragments jotted in the middle of the night on scraps of paper, fortunes from chinese cookies, meaningful tarot readings, nordic runes and ideas that rise sparkling from silty depths to the surface of my mind. i miss, i miss… and yet, in the missing, i can try somehow to build a form for whatever i miss, even if the thing itself has flown. cages for our thoughts, maybe that’s exactly what sentences and paragraphs and drawings are.

this morning i’m afraid of what the future will inevitably bring: change. i sit here so comfortably and securely surrounded by my things, yet i know that this will change, is already changing. i cannot hold on, it cannot hold, as the poet said, the center is collapsing at this very moment. collapsing and transforming into something else, always disassembling and erecting itself anew. if i can’t go with the flow, i’ll be trapped in the ruins, broken debris among the debris. i have become my own rough beast. i am heavy on my feet, give me wings.

as you now are in your heart
fall in light
feel no shame for what you are
feel no shame for what you are
feel it as a waterfall
fall in light, ooh.
fall in light, fall in light,
fall in light, ooh.
fall in light, fall in light fall in light,
grow in light.

It takes only a moment to become fleet-footed again. As I listen to Jeff Buckley’s glorious, angelic voice–my favorite in the world, I believe–I’m instantly transported, my feet lifted from the clay. It isn’t that I was depressed this morning… no, that phase has passed for now… but that I had actually been overwhelmed by how much I love my life, and the objects and people I have gathered around me. Who wants to lose what they love? Nobody I know. The older I get the more significant these things become, the less flexible I find myself, and it’s too easy to skip ahead in my mind to whatever’s creeping my way, threatening my peace, and feel afraid.

So my challenge is to say to fear, Well, hello there. Since you’re here, sit on my lap for a moment. Let me pet your head and ask what this is all about. And then, once I know what it wants, I can gently scoot it off–like I do Horatio after I’ve had enough cuddling–and go about my business, pondering. It’s important to acknowledge everything about ourselves; it’s all there for a reason. Everything we walk through has something to teach us.

This morning I am reminded to be grateful for this very moment, for each uniquely presented nanosecond of life, every one of which is filled to the brim with whatever we need. I’ll be honest with you and tell you that right now, as I write, I’m still fearing change, but I’ll get up, open the door and breathe some fresh air, get dressed, put on music, watch a show, work on necklaces, read, journal, feed the cat, think about what to make for dinner, and do whatever else comes my way today. I’ll forget to be afraid of change for a little while. Maybe that particular fear won’t show its face again for a good, long time, and I’ll move onto something else.

Such is life. There’s never any reason to be bored, that’s for sure. I wish you well today! Love.

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Oh! One thing I want to add, because laughing is so great…. I love watching pratfalls; I’m a sucker for them. As long as nobody is falling for real, seeing someone take a tumble is the funniest thing ever to me. Probably because it’s the one thing I do NOT want to do myself. :) Here’s Wesley tripping down the stairs on Angel. The scene is from the rather silly episode “Spin the Bottle,” where everyone is under a spell that reverts them back to teenagers (never mind), and it gets funnier every time I see it. Either enjoy it or cringe, however you’re disposed, but if you’re like me you’ll watch it a dozen times in a row and then come back later for more:

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Filed under Art Journal, Beloveds, Creative, Ear candy, Fluffies

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